Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1185
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn.
You might be a redneck if you think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.
Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.
A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, "Hey, look at me, I'm an idiot."
I'm not a racist. It's really case by case; it's not ethnicity specific. It's just the way I react to things that are different. I think that's normal. Everyone's nervous when they're confronted with things that they don't understand or are different. That's a normal human reaction. It doesn't become racist 'til you say things like, 'Oh, there's a lot of them.'
Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King.