Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1185
Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.
I had jobs that were as short as an hour and a half. One was putting circulars into newspapers, and I worked at it for 90 minutes before I said “I’m going to the bathroom” and never came back. I never spent a lot of time at a boring job. I’d either quit, or I’d try to make it fun and they would try to fire me. When I worked for a collections agency, I’d fuck with people until it became like a Jerky Boys routine. My bosses would tell me, “You’re still supposed to get the money from them.”
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.
Wow! She is amazing. She is 25 years old and she's already accomplished everything she's going to accomplish in her life. It's mind blowing … have you seen Britney's kids? Oh my god, they are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see! They are as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of!
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, AND THE BLIZZARD WOULD HIT AGAIN!
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can’t pelt them with poop.
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.