Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1185

There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dark about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

New York is baffling in the [sense that] it's a city that prides itself on being an absolute shit-hole. It's like — there's nothing good here, people are proud of that, they're happy, "Oh, it's overpriced, and it's overpopulated, and it stinks like piss, and comics! — comics film specials here!" And they all open with a joke about, "Yeah, you spend 8 thousand dollars a month for 9 square feet!" And you go, "Well, why do you fucking live here?" Why do people stay here?.. But unfortunately, this is where comedy works — where people are the most miserable. Like, I'd rather be filming a special on a beach in Costa Rica in a tiki bar right now, but they don't need comedians, they're already smiling, they're already happy — naturally! So that's why I'm doing a special here — cause it's the last fucking place I wanna be.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

Shut up... let me tell you, let me. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you're real. I don't have enough time in any day to think about you enough... I don't even think about women anymore. I think about you.

You're gay, you sell books... you probably shag the books.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

Don't take death for granted.

I lived in an apartment, and I had a neighbor. I knew that whenever he knocked on the wall, he wanted me to turn my music down. I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around. I cannot open the wall!"

Vampire fad just won’t die. Makes sense, I guess.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...

America doesn't need libraries; you don’t need books here. There are plenty of books in the world, and plenty of people who've read them. It's not your area of expertise.... Stick to what you are truly great at -- TV.

We’re looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.

There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon.

In a speech yesterday John Kerry said that before November he may go to Iraq. Is that a good idea for him to go to Iraq? You thought Bush didn't have a reason to bomb Iraq before.