Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1183

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy.

Some people are widely read. I'm thinly read.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

You're gay, you sell books... you probably shag the books.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.

They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night?" Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

I'm so excited - I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold "Beard Of Bees" competitions.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.