Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1183

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.

As a comic, you learn to use your voice because you don't have the benefit of visual things.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, "Let me tell you the kind of guy I am," that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

I've had some bad shows where I just sucked, but I've had some assholes, too. Some guy stood up Saturday night and said 'This is the same shit you've been peddling the last five times you've been here.' That's your biggest fear: someone who knows every word you've ever said.

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

If I just sit here every Friday night and spout Bush administration talking points, that's not information or entertainment, it's Fox News!

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.

I don’t really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I’ve been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn’t call that hanging out.

You might be a redneck if your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.

The notebook. Yes, as you know Garofalo’s a little forgetful. Has to bring her notebook. Between the Nutrasweet and the Fen-phen, I don’t know whether to shit or wind my watch at this point.

My nan used to look after me in the summer holidays and she had a cat with one eye. It used to walk into walls and tables. I used to think it was hilarious. It was a slapstick cat.