Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1183

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.

I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.

You're gay, you sell books... you probably shag the books.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

I don't want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that's tragic. Because I don't want her to get the chance to pick out what I'm going to wear for eternity.

Once I started to look i finally began to see.

When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer...

I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, "Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?" And I said, "Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?"

Engrave this Quote Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.