Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1183

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

You might be a redneck if you keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal - in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being.

I try to live in the moment but other people ruin it.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

Shut up... let me tell you, let me. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you're real. I don't have enough time in any day to think about you enough... I don't even think about women anymore. I think about you.

I washed mud off of mud.

It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.

Are there glass shards in my anus?

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.