Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1199

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.

Someone just told me that I enjoyed my weekend.

I had amnesia once or twice.

You might be a redneck if your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

I can't be in two places at one time unless I'm alone.

Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.

Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.

There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word "abbreviation."

I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.

And then we get here and five minutes after we arrive, the skies open up. It's completely nice and there was a rainbow above the thing we were shooting. So, I don't know, if God didn't want us to shoot, he sure fucked up today.

I have my website, The Ruckus, which is an Internet site, similar to the Funny or Die format, where people post funny videos. I get a chance to rate their videos; they get a chance to blog and kick it with me.

To wish upon a star, but from a safe enough distance to avoid being incinerated.

You know, it's really rude to yell at your cock in front of people, and I apologize.