Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1199

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Another thing rappers, I admire your rebellious spirit, but materialism is a form of mental slavery. Slow down on the jewelry, pick up a book.

Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

In the 80's we had high, high, waisted pants, that if they came up any higher they'd have to go up another size, if you know what I mean.

Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.

Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. Peer pressure, acne, final exams, seven little tiny hairs on your upper lip. Luckily, the girls never noticed your infantile moustache, 'cos they were hyptonised by the fire engine sized zit on your forehead.

It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, AND THE BLIZZARD WOULD HIT AGAIN!

Someone just told me that I enjoyed my weekend.

I had amnesia once or twice.

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.

We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different.