Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1199
I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is.
The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?
Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.
You might be a redneck if there are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
I wish I could say there was a magic formula, but I just kept working at it.
Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!"
After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while.
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
How many kids do you have? Two. Don't have any more. That's the highest acceptable point... from now on take it in the ass.
You might be a redneck if you gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
I talked to Larry the Cable Guy the other day. Larry's made more money than 10 people should ever make in a lifetime. He was excited because he'd gone over to the livestock auction and bought 20 new feeder pigs.
You might be a redneck if taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.