Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1208

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up, you will get better.

I think we all remember that those first months after the attack, this country really was a very different country. I think we were ready to do anything. I think we would have marched into hell behind this guy... I think nobody in a position of leadership, not the Democrats, not the president, asked anyone in this country to rethink or redo anything. The most they asked us to do was to keep the economy going, to shop and go see shows again and travel.

Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, "Satan is a myth... I guess".

Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.

There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

You might be a redneck if the ASPCA raids your kitchen.

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

I had my coathangers spayed.

The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

You might be a redneck if your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.