Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1208
I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.
The biggest thing I've learned is to listen to my own gut. I have learned to trust my instincts.
If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.
I have my website, The Ruckus, which is an Internet site, similar to the Funny or Die format, where people post funny videos. I get a chance to rate their videos; they get a chance to blog and kick it with me.
I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.
The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.
This relationship is preventing me from becoming everything I can be as a world class masturbator. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
What is the fear of the 'gay agenda' that has so upset people? Do people think that if gay people are given a place at the table, they'll be so convincing we'll all end up blowing them? What is the issue? 'You know, I'm straight, but you've made such a convincing argument...'
As we know, for centuries Rome regarded the Open Hot Turkey Sandwich as the height of licentiousness.
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."
Life's a beautiful thing. With every passing day I have more to worry about.