Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1208
Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.
Did you ever notice how the people who believe in creationism look really unevolved. Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet.<br /> “I believe God created me in one day.”<br /> Looks like he rushed it.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy."
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.
God forbid I should have a simultaneous orgasm with anybody. My goal this year is to make love being naked.
[With reference to a 'how to date' book] Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.
I just don't feel like you're right for me... sorry, just talking to myself.
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
I understand if you want to stay home and watch me on YouTube, but it’s like incest - you’re putting convenience over quality.