Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1208
A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, AND THE BLIZZARD WOULD HIT AGAIN!
Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.
If you suspect your baby may be a problem drinker, please call my cell phone because he sounds fun to hang out with.
I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.
A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
Girls in Los Angeles like to say, “I’m not relgious, but I’m spiritual.” I like to reply, “I’m not honest, but you’re interesting.”
I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake...We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it."