Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1210

I've gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today.

You might be a redneck if you smoked during your wedding.

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I’m kidding. No one watches CNN.

Nowhere is a great place to start.

People on TV suck. If you ever meet somebody from TV, I want you to punch them right in the face. It'll probably get you on TV.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian.

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

Girls in Los Angeles like to say, “I’m not relgious, but I’m spiritual.” I like to reply, “I’m not honest, but you’re interesting.”

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

You might be a redneck if you just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.