Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1210
I think we all remember that those first months after the attack, this country really was a very different country. I think we were ready to do anything. I think we would have marched into hell behind this guy... I think nobody in a position of leadership, not the Democrats, not the president, asked anyone in this country to rethink or redo anything. The most they asked us to do was to keep the economy going, to shop and go see shows again and travel.
I graduated from Temple University. Physical education major with a child psychology minor. Which means if you ask me a question about a child’s behavior, I will tell you to tell the child to take a lap.
Men and women we look at movie so differently. Men look at how much money is spent. Women look at how much money is saved. If it just cost $300 and if I get it for $150 what have I done ladies? Saved $150. Of course. My husband thinks I’ve spent $150. What’s it like in there?
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
I really love cursing a lot. But as I get older, I realize it’s a little unseemly for women of a certain age. But then once you pass sixty-five, you can hit it full tilt again and it’s charming. Once you’re Lauren Bacall’s age, you can be like, “What the fuck.”
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
I’m no good in the morning unless I’ve had that first, hot piping pot of coffee… Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.
Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.