Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1210

My nightmares have coming attractions.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Someone just told me that I enjoyed my weekend.

Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

Comics don't usually have very long careers, and I'm 22 years into this.

I've gotten to the point I won't even watch the 11 o'clock news. You just walk away from it thinking how bad everything is.

An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show here ankles to to get that job?

Guys don't use the word "pretty" enough. Like, "hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you".

I'm a peripheral visionary.

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also thereis the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.