Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1210
They have the slowest bartender in town. If you ever wanna quit drinkin, ask him for a beer.
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.
People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death – lunch – death, death, death – afternoon tea – death, death, death – quick shower …' "
Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18[gibberish]. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You"
My movies are more popular in France than back at home. The subtitles must be great.
That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.
Why couldn't, uh, why couldn't have Rush Limbaugh croaked from it instead of Heath Ledger?
You might be a redneck if you have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.