Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1209

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King.

You might be a redneck if you just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

God forbid I should have a simultaneous orgasm with anybody. My goal this year is to make love being naked.

Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I’m glad the PC police haven’t made us change March Madness to "early spring psychosis."

Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it’s true. I read it on Wikipedia.

I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

In the 80's we had high, high, waisted pants, that if they came up any higher they'd have to go up another size, if you know what I mean.

I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

I'd deeply apologize to Richard Lewis for my offensive slurs to myself.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.