Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1209

Nowhere is a great place to start.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

...and there aint a goddamn thing anybody can do about it, you know why? Because we've got the bombs! That's why, yeah! Two words: NUCLEAR FUCKIN' WEAPONS! OK?!

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.

For sanity,I just cut down my family tree.

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

You know you've been listening to too much hip hop when you're response to a red light is "can't stop, won't stop son!".

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!

I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.

I just started a fire in a crowded movie theater. Nobody said shit.

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.