Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1209
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
I really love cursing a lot. But as I get older, I realize it’s a little unseemly for women of a certain age. But then once you pass sixty-five, you can hit it full tilt again and it’s charming. Once you’re Lauren Bacall’s age, you can be like, “What the fuck.”
I’m no good in the morning unless I’ve had that first, hot piping pot of coffee… Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
Patriotism for the sake of is like choosing sides in a war based on the color of their uniforms.
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.
"My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times."
When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore.
We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.
You might be a redneck if you won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.