Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1209
The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up, you will get better.
Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, "Satan is a myth... I guess".
Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.
You might be a redneck if your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death – lunch – death, death, death – afternoon tea – death, death, death – quick shower …' "
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
You might be a redneck if when you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky."
You might be a redneck if your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare, it took me all morning to get them back in.