Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1214

I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.

I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece...

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

A metaphor is like a simile.

Will Ferrell (George Bush) ... I've chosen to schedule this impromptu address at night, because quite frankly, every time I speak during the day the stock market goes in the crapper ... so sorry Asian markets, you take the hit on this one ...

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

You might be a redneck if your masseuse uses lard.

God forbid I should have a simultaneous orgasm with anybody. My goal this year is to make love being naked.

I say live and let live. That’s my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take them outside and shoot the motherfucker.

"You can't fool the American people" - politician trying to fool the American people.

I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.

Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that…shite.

The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up, you will get better.