Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1214
I really love cursing a lot. But as I get older, I realize it’s a little unseemly for women of a certain age. But then once you pass sixty-five, you can hit it full tilt again and it’s charming. Once you’re Lauren Bacall’s age, you can be like, “What the fuck.”
Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.
In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create new petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can!
When I die I'll be cremated and my ashes sprinkled over my shrink's toupee.
You might be a redneck if you use a radiator hose to fix your kitchen sink.
I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Vengeance, is good. You give it, you get it. It's all part of what makes us human. So thank god for vengeance. Otherwise, the human race might as well just roll over and let another species for a while. I think it will be the cats. Watch 'em. They're cooking up something.
America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.
"We're in this together" usually means "I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour".