Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1214
I'm not a very serious Jew. I don't wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head.
Why couldn't, uh, why couldn't have Rush Limbaugh croaked from it instead of Heath Ledger?
I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.
I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.
Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I’m kidding. No one watches CNN.
You might be a redneck if your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
You might be a redneck if you think Silence of the Lambs is what happens when Larry walks out to the barn.
I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE. "Hey, buddy!" "Hey, what?" "Ummmmmmm...." End of argument.
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
I find that when people laugh it's usually because they're connecting and identifying in a way that they hadn't considered. That's my payoff. I'm not interested in other people thinking differently. I don't care. I'm just like yeast - I eat sugar and I shit alcohol. And there's a huge culture that goes with that. Alcohol creates massive shifts in world history, and it changes people's lives. People get pregnant because of alcohol. But the yeast doesn't give a fuck. The yeast isn't going, "I really want to help people loosen up and bring passion into Irish people's lives".