Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1214

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

You might be a redneck if Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

"You can't fool the American people" - politician trying to fool the American people.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'

Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.

The most dangerous drink is gin. You have to be really, really careful with that. And you also have to be 45, female and sitting on the stairs. Because gin isn't really a drink, it's more a mascara thinner. "Nobody likes my shoes!" "I made... I made fifty... fucking vol-au-vents, and not one of you... not one of you... said 'Thank you.'" And my favourite: "Everybody, shut up. Shut up! This song is all about me."

Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think "why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility"?

I wish rabbits had big earlobes.

You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy - location, location, location.