Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1215
I find that when people laugh it's usually because they're connecting and identifying in a way that they hadn't considered. That's my payoff. I'm not interested in other people thinking differently. I don't care. I'm just like yeast - I eat sugar and I shit alcohol. And there's a huge culture that goes with that. Alcohol creates massive shifts in world history, and it changes people's lives. People get pregnant because of alcohol. But the yeast doesn't give a fuck. The yeast isn't going, "I really want to help people loosen up and bring passion into Irish people's lives".
Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.
You might be a redneck if when you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You might be a redneck if you just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.
Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.
Patriotism for the sake of is like choosing sides in a war based on the color of their uniforms.
"My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times."
Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it’s true. I read it on Wikipedia.
The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.
I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.
The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up, you will get better.