Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1215

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

You might be a redneck if taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

So China's president Hu Jintao meets, uh - meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?"

It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Shit just got real like Pinocchio turds

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.

I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket-weaves. Busy fingers are happy fingers. I don’t care about the films. I don’t care if they’re flushed down the toilet after I die.

There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.

My movies are more popular in France than back at home. The subtitles must be great.

I just always loved comedy and I really wanted to be good at it. And it was heartbreaking, 'cause I started and I wasn't good at it. I was only 17-years-old, so I had a lot to learn about life in general. But I just kept on trying. I was young enough and stupid enough and I had no other choice. I had nothing else I was good at.

You might be a redneck if you just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.