Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1215
I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.
It's the cutting edge of politics in a very extraordinarily boring way!
I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket-weaves. Busy fingers are happy fingers. I don’t care about the films. I don’t care if they’re flushed down the toilet after I die.
I graduated from Temple University. Physical education major with a child psychology minor. Which means if you ask me a question about a child’s behavior, I will tell you to tell the child to take a lap.
Did a gig the other night that made one of my jokes feel like Jesus because it died as a result of their sins, not mine.
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
Vegas; one of the few places still encouraging men in their fifties to dress like their in a boy-band from the 80's.
I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.
The Middle East is America's 'champagne room'. No matter how much you spend, you will still never get what you want.
You might be a redneck if your vehicle has a two-tone paint job - primer red and primer gray.