Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1218
I'd deeply apologize to Richard Lewis for my offensive slurs to myself.
A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.
I have also reviewed my own financial obligations, which have puffed up recently like a hammered thumb.
Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think "why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility"?
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.
When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.
I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat. Unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.
I’ve always benefited from knowing machines well, because it’s freedom, it gives you freedom, I always knew that.
I don’t think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they’re the most direct, non-figurative words, like, ‘I like you, I like you,’… and that’s it, for the whole song. People would go, ‘Ooh, this guy’s Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.
I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.
I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is.
So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn’t mean they won’t get mad about it, it just means they don’t know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn’t dare interrupt their game of croquet.
I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if I'm paying to see a comedy then I just want to see who's funniest, with everyone treated equally. I'm not going to say, 'Oh, I should see a woman this time because I saw a man last time.' It's hard to have blanket opinions.