Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1218
The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.
With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.
Will Ferrell (George Bush) ... I've chosen to schedule this impromptu address at night, because quite frankly, every time I speak during the day the stock market goes in the crapper ... so sorry Asian markets, you take the hit on this one ...
I have also reviewed my own financial obligations, which have puffed up recently like a hammered thumb.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug...
You might be a redneck if your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.
Models talk to you for six minutes and they're very nice and they say thank you and then it's off to the larger European men they actually have sex with.
What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.
The most dangerous drink is gin. You have to be really, really careful with that. And you also have to be 45, female and sitting on the stairs. Because gin isn't really a drink, it's more a mascara thinner. "Nobody likes my shoes!" "I made... I made fifty... fucking vol-au-vents, and not one of you... not one of you... said 'Thank you.'" And my favourite: "Everybody, shut up. Shut up! This song is all about me."
We were talking briefly about cocaine...yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!
My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.