Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1218
I’ve always benefited from knowing machines well, because it’s freedom, it gives you freedom, I always knew that.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.
Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.
I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guy's like, 'Wait a second, can I help you?' I was like, 'Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together.' And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and I'll be like, 'Do I look like I work here, chief?'
I saw an old woman changing a flat tyre, and I walked right by, like everybody else. Then I thought what kind of person am I? So I went back and said, 'Have a nice day.'
[When asked if he sees the future with people wearing shirts with his face on it] I’d like that, yeah. Teenage girls with my face on their breasts. Is that what you want me to say? [...] I’d like it. Everyone would like it. I think everyone should be made to wear body-suits which are collages of my face.
Your father. He loves you. But, he doesn't like you. And why should he ? Huh ? Ever since you were born, he's had less money, less sex, less time, less stuff. You eat his food. You wear his clothes. You don't give him his messages. And look, you're his son. You suck.
Alien abductions. I don't believe in them because it's always the same circumstances, the same type of people, the same situations. It's never a black guy; it's never a Hispanic guy; it's never a physicist from the Netherlands - it's always some dumb white fuck in the middle of nowhere.
I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?