Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1217
I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."
Life's a beautiful thing. With every passing day I have more to worry about.
I graduated from Temple University. Physical education major with a child psychology minor. Which means if you ask me a question about a child’s behavior, I will tell you to tell the child to take a lap.
The Middle East is America's 'champagne room'. No matter how much you spend, you will still never get what you want.
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
I love Cleveland. The weather just terrible there - too cold. All we want to know in Cleveland is where the hell’s all that global warming we’ve been hearing so much about. That’s all they ever do in the winter, stand outside with an aerosol can. >ssst<br />
If I cut myself shaving, sausage gravy comes out. That’s why I always keep a little pile of biscuits next to the sink.
I don’t think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they’re the most direct, non-figurative words, like, ‘I like you, I like you,’… and that’s it, for the whole song. People would go, ‘Ooh, this guy’s Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.
I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.
If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams
I saw a girl outside - had the biggest fake titties I've ever seen in my life. They were this big, with a half top with stuff written on the shirt, and I couldn't help but look at it. She got mad at me. She goes, 'What are you looking at?' I was like, 'Hey, if I stuff a balloon in my pants and paint a bulls eye on it, you might take a second freakin' peek, weirdo.'
When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is "Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too."
I was in a card store and there were these cards that said "Get well soon." Fuck that! Get well *now*!