Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1217
You might be a redneck if any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.
Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely.'
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."
It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy - location, location, location.
I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guy's like, 'Wait a second, can I help you?' I was like, 'Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together.' And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and I'll be like, 'Do I look like I work here, chief?'
I saw a girl outside - had the biggest fake titties I've ever seen in my life. They were this big, with a half top with stuff written on the shirt, and I couldn't help but look at it. She got mad at me. She goes, 'What are you looking at?' I was like, 'Hey, if I stuff a balloon in my pants and paint a bulls eye on it, you might take a second freakin' peek, weirdo.'
"You can't fool the American people" - politician trying to fool the American people.
It became sort of a snowball effect, with guys trying to deal in their own way with 9/11, whether it was drinking or whatever,
Some people need Hell. If you’re the type of guy who sees a hooker in an alleyway and instinctively thinks, “Hey, now there’s something I could rape and kill without any consequences,” then the concept of Hell might really keep you out of trouble.
What is the fear of the 'gay agenda' that has so upset people? Do people think that if gay people are given a place at the table, they'll be so convincing we'll all end up blowing them? What is the issue? 'You know, I'm straight, but you've made such a convincing argument...'