Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1219
Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.
People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do… which sucked a lot.
Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think "why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility"?
Life's a beautiful thing. With every passing day I have more to worry about.
If you believe drugs don’t do anything good for us, do me this favor willya. Go home tonight, take all your albums and tapes and burn ‘em. Because the musicians who made all that great music… real fucking high on drugs. Shit, the Beatles were so high they let RIngo sing a couple of tunes.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.
I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.
I'd rather send out a mass email then hang posters all over the place.
Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they're a transvestite.
If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with the people whose lives it's going to affect. Like George Washington, had to get all those guys who the British killed to agree to die. Neil Armstrong, had to crank a couple of elbows into Buzz Aldrin's face mask to make sure he got on the moon first. And Christopher Titus, well, he worked his dad for five grand. Ha ha. Who can't support who ? I know, it's complicated.