Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1221

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

I got bused to school into a poor white neighborhood. A neighborhood worse than the one I lived in. And everybody’s scared of black people, everybody’s scared of Puerto Ricans. Yo, there ain’t nothing scarier than poor white people… Yo, these muthafuckers, they lived under the trailer home, alright. They weren’t white trash, they’re like white toxic waste.

In my life, I have driven some crappy vehicles. But I have never been so desperate for a vehicle that I wanted a used rental car.

All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Now the ACLU is fighting to overturn a Mississippi state law that stops homosexuals from adopting children. You know folks, I’m no expert on the subject, but if you’re gay and you’ve chosen to set up shop in Mississippi… even I’m reasonably sure you’re not equipped to adopt children, okay?

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I don’t have a kid. I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.

"The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.

You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.