Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1221

We were talking briefly about cocaine...yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly!

A lot of people in a LA need to take a break from taking a break.

Celebrated father's day by congratulating myself for not having a kid.

If I were blind, I’d wear a blindfold all the time.

Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.

I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.

Only people as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

"We're in this together" usually means "I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour".

I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.