Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1220

Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

If you ever apologize to a heckler again I will rape you.

I'm strongly debating quitting. I don't want to create things to be angry about, I'd sooner start doing happy shit.

Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.

I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guy's like, 'Wait a second, can I help you?' I was like, 'Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together.' And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and I'll be like, 'Do I look like I work here, chief?'

If I were blind, I’d wear a blindfold all the time.

You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they're a transvestite.

I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.

Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!

Shit just got real like Pinocchio turds

Your father. He loves you. But, he doesn't like you. And why should he ? Huh ? Ever since you were born, he's had less money, less sex, less time, less stuff. You eat his food. You wear his clothes. You don't give him his messages. And look, you're his son. You suck.

I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot [on the road as a standup comic], between airport security and the weather...I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.

I have also reviewed my own financial obligations, which have puffed up recently like a hammered thumb.

As we know, for centuries Rome regarded the Open Hot Turkey Sandwich as the height of licentiousness.