Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1220

The problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a Trickless magician?? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something! What tricks does this guy have? "I'm in a box...and I ain't gonna eat.". "I'm in a box...and I ain't gonna eat!!"! That ain't no trick! That's called living in the projects!

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

It was so important for me just to have my ex feel good in bed. The low point was when I started to sing, 'Here we go, orgasm! Here we go!' And then when it finally happened, running a victory lap - that was sad. And the high fives, wasn't that unnecessary?

I was in a card store and there were these cards that said "Get well soon." Fuck that! Get well *now*!

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

[When asked if he sees the future with people wearing shirts with his face on it] I’d like that, yeah. Teenage girls with my face on their breasts. Is that what you want me to say? [...] I’d like it. Everyone would like it. I think everyone should be made to wear body-suits which are collages of my face.

I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.

Now, this is the fun part about getting stoned. They get stoned, then they become paranoid. Now, when they started out, they said, "Let's get high and have fun." So they're high; now they're paranoid. "Am I falling out of this chair?"

Take the money and run.

You might be a redneck if you're an expert on worm beds.

You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.