Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1220
The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.
You might be a redneck if your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking.
I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.
It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism.
I’m not very good with people. Even when I was little, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. And I’d be like, “I guess we’ll meet up later.” And he’d be like, “Whatever, queer.”
I've had two great years, probably five good years. So I had 20 years of just kind of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All these things. There's no way I'm ever going to catch up to the misery years. It's impossible... If I don't do anything dumb or I don't get a disease or something, and then I've got to five to eight years I think where it'll really be great and then it will start to degenerate like uranium, you know?
At the upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will perform together as the first time, as man and wife. Hopefully music.
Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it’s true. I read it on Wikipedia.
Now, this is the fun part about getting stoned. They get stoned, then they become paranoid. Now, when they started out, they said, "Let's get high and have fun." So they're high; now they're paranoid. "Am I falling out of this chair?"
You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug...