Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1220
Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!
People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do… which sucked a lot.
One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.
TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.
Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.
I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.
So China's president Hu Jintao meets, uh - meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?"
There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who cannot.
If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams
Your father. He loves you. But, he doesn't like you. And why should he ? Huh ? Ever since you were born, he's had less money, less sex, less time, less stuff. You eat his food. You wear his clothes. You don't give him his messages. And look, you're his son. You suck.
I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.'
You might be a redneck if the best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.