Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1222
I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
I think one reason TV has always done well is because there is something comforting where you kind of know what you're going to be taken through.
The biggest plus of marriage is finally realizing that we are alone.
I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot [on the road as a standup comic], between airport security and the weather...I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.
Regarding the marching band: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
"Scatterbrain" is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.
Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.
If you believe drugs don’t do anything good for us, do me this favor willya. Go home tonight, take all your albums and tapes and burn ‘em. Because the musicians who made all that great music… real fucking high on drugs. Shit, the Beatles were so high they let RIngo sing a couple of tunes.
My dog. Last night four times he went on the paper. Three times I was reading it.