Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1222
My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I would like tea. Why don't you put it on my breasts?" "Certainly. Tea for this man's breasts! Anything else, sir?"
When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.
I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think.
You might be a redneck if Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
A beautiful woman chased me down the street yesterday. She shouted and screamed, tried to grab me, ripped my at my clothes and pulled my hair. After about five minutes, I said, "Okay, lady. Keep your handbag."
When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is "Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too."
I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he's my dad, I can't send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, "Look at the fairy!" I was a wood nymph.
I'm strongly debating quitting. I don't want to create things to be angry about, I'd sooner start doing happy shit.
My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag.
You might be a redneck if your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.