Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1223
TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.
I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
Of course, here's the weird part. After I fought my dad, all of a sudden we're buddies now. Like he's my friend now, we start hanging out. But we're still the same people. So we'd go out on Sunday, you know, and just be hanging out, then he'd, like, pick a guy, and we'd just go beat the crap out of that guy as a team. Memories, huh?
If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.
Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, ‘Where’s my money?’
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.
This relationship is preventing me from becoming everything I can be as a world class masturbator. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
My final point about alchohol, about drugs, about Pornography...What business is it of your's what I do, read, buy, see or take into my body as long as I don't harm another human being whilst on this planet? And for those of you having a little moral dilemna on how to answer this, I'll answer for you. NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS Take that to the bank, cash it and take it on a vacation outta my fucking life. And stop bringing shotguns to UFO sightings, they might be here to pick me up and take me with 'em.
Will Ferrell (George Bush) ... I've chosen to schedule this impromptu address at night, because quite frankly, every time I speak during the day the stock market goes in the crapper ... so sorry Asian markets, you take the hit on this one ...
America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.
"We're in this together" usually means "I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour".
"Scatterbrain" is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.