Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1223
An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show here ankles to to get that job?
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.
I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he's my dad, I can't send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, "Look at the fairy!" I was a wood nymph.
I’m always looking for something new to say. That’s the problem with doing it for this long, thinking of what haven’t I beaten to death that I care about? You try to break yourself out of your comfort zone, because comfort is deadly for a comedian. There’s a reason why jokes start with “Don’t you hate it when…?” and not “Do you know what’s really great?”
It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on.
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother’s.
The world treats beautiful people like they're good at something, which makes it so that they almost never get good at something.
You might be a redneck if your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking.
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!