Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1223

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if I'm paying to see a comedy then I just want to see who's funniest, with everyone treated equally. I'm not going to say, 'Oh, I should see a woman this time because I saw a man last time.' It's hard to have blanket opinions.

I think the best thing to keep in a safe is a note that says “Nice try, asshole."

I think one reason TV has always done well is because there is something comforting where you kind of know what you're going to be taken through.

If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't.

There's no down time any more.

Regarding the marching band: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that…shite.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.

We were talking briefly about cocaine...yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!

Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.

Men are liars. We lie about lying if we have to.

They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy."

A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.