Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1223

I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother’s.

I'm not a very serious Jew. I don't wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head.

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.

I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.

What do batteries run on?

Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.'

It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.

So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn’t mean they won’t get mad about it, it just means they don’t know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn’t dare interrupt their game of croquet.

Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.