Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1238

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

I don't know what the fuck was going on with the Scottish education board in the 1970's. It was like: 'Do you like whiskey? Do you hate kids? The job's yours.'

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: naive.

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.

See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.”

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water.

You might be a redneck if you saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.