Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1238

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

You might be a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

I never made “Who’s Who” but I’m featured in “What’s That?”

I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

My wife can’t cook either, forgetaboutit. At my house, we pray after we eat.

I'm careful with money.

Nepal is the most fun place in the world. You’ve got monkeys roaming around, cremations and animal sacrifices. And there’s no vehicle that you’re not welcome to ride on top of. The country could have been invented by Beavis and Butt-head. Even the gods have nice breasts.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from.

I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

You might be a redneck if you give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

You might be a redneck if there has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.