Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1238

You might be a redneck if you haul more than U-Haul.

A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.

You might be a redneck if in tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"

You can say prick on television. If it happens to your finger it’s alright. You can prick your finger, just don’t finger your prick.

The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.

Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.

There's no down time any more.

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.

You might be a redneck if you entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

Then you get these articles about how unhealthy life is in the city. You know; mobile phone tumours - far more likely in the city; Well you know what, so is everything else! Including sex, coffee and conversation.

You might be a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.

There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There’s the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that’s ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There’s the other one, you know, where you go "Ga…bt…jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga…ba…ah, actually that’s not that bad, that is. It’s quite nice."

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!