Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1238

I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.

I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

You might be a redneck if you haul more than U-Haul.

And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!

You might be a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

And my sex life is nothing to crow about. At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.

You might be a redneck if there has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.