Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1239

You might be a redneck if you haul more than U-Haul.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re goin’ and hook up with them later.

You might be a redneck if your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.

Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a argument. It's impossible you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense

[about breath strips] Can we not suck anymore?

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are woman that you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place?

Even though it’s warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

I love comedians. They're my community.

I don't know what the fuck was going on with the Scottish education board in the 1970's. It was like: 'Do you like whiskey? Do you hate kids? The job's yours.'

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.