Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1239

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

I'm told anal sex is like Mariachi music. It hurts at first, but you get used to it, ultimately maybe even throw on a large hat and enjoy it.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

It's hard to know where your thoughts come from, especially when you have a thirst for material because you need it professionally.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I like having a cold. I get to take my favorite drug, which is NyQuil… NyQuil is 180 proof. It’s the moonshine of medicine… When I got a cold I want something that’s going to screw me up. Because that way the blur seems interesting. NyQuil comes in two colors: red and green. And it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

You might be a redneck if there has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said "southern and sassy, it's all good". Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.

You might be a redneck if your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

You don’t know anything about pain… You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.