Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1237

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

We are $14.3 trillion in debt, but the good news is we’ve got 14.3 trillion airline miles.

I'm told anal sex is like Mariachi music. It hurts at first, but you get used to it, ultimately maybe even throw on a large hat and enjoy it.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

In my day, girls used to get pinned in high school. That was the big thing. Now they’re getting nailed.

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

It's hard to know where your thoughts come from, especially when you have a thirst for material because you need it professionally.

When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

You might be a redneck if you haul more than U-Haul.

A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.