Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1237

You might be a redneck if in tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

The three ingredients of a successful union between two ... humor, commitment & undying love.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.

I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said "southern and sassy, it's all good". Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, "You come back, you hear?" And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, "Just up the road apiece."