Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1237
America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.
You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
You might be a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.
Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men doing manly things: “You just killed a small animal. It’s time for a light beer.” Why not have a realistic beer commercial? ... “It’s five o’clock in the morning. You just pissed on a dumpster. It’s Miller time.”
Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are woman that you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place?
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re goin’ and hook up with them later.
And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!
I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, "You come back, you hear?" And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, "Just up the road apiece."