Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1237

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re goin’ and hook up with them later.

I went to my doctor and told him, "Hey, Doc! I just took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. What should I do?" He said, "Go home, have a couple of drinks, and get some rest!!"

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

In my day, girls used to get pinned in high school. That was the big thing. Now they’re getting nailed.

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.

In honor of Earth Day, tonight’s program will be made up of 100 percent recycled jokes.

For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

My wife's favourite position is back to back.

If you think a quaterhorse is that ride in front of Kmart... you might be a rednneck.

I never made “Who’s Who” but I’m featured in “What’s That?”