Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1245
You might be a redneck if the tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
It’s so beautiful outside, I’m thrilled you guys took the time to come inside. On my tour for my first book, this was my favorite stop. For real. I’m not even kissing you guys’ asses.
Researchers in Britain claim they have created a gel that prevents tooth decay. We’ve got this in America. It’s called “toothpaste.”
(on people who join the military) As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.
[Adulthood feels like] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you
My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment. She yelled "Rape!" They yelled "NO!"
I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!
I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
There is good news for smokers. The surgeon general’s warnings are different on the sides of each pack. Mine says, “Surgeon General Warning: Cigarette smoking may Cause fetal injury or premature birth.” Hey, fuck it! just don’t get the ones that say lung cancer.
At the end of a letter I like to write "P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you know? It’s always like “Bush sucks!” “U2 Rocks!”