Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1245
Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.
Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.
[Adulthood feels like] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you
I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"
People are always like, “Oh, she’s such a bitch.” I’m like, “Yeah, I am a bitch, actually.”
I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher!
You might be a redneck if you saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
If you’re a transvestite, you’re actually a male tomboy. That’s where the sexuality is… So it’s running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you’re up there.
I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.