Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1245

Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.

Then you get these articles about how unhealthy life is in the city. You know; mobile phone tumours - far more likely in the city; Well you know what, so is everything else! Including sex, coffee and conversation.

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

I’ll tell you what I don’t like about Christmas office parties: looking for a new job afterward.

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

First of all, i’m not an actor - I’m an asshole.

Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying "things just come to me" should be punishable by death.

You might be a redneck if when you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

As a kid I used to wonder around the woods… because my parents would put me there.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

Oh, I love stand-up.

People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate.

I know God is real.

You might be a redneck if your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment. She yelled "Rape!" They yelled "NO!"