Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1246
You might be a redneck if you can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
When I was in college I had this hippie girlfriend and she said, “Well, it’s like, when we make love, there’s no me and no you. Our bodies are like one continuous being.” <br /> I said, “OK, but how about paying some attention to our dick.”
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.
I went into a restaurant. The menu said “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: naive.
Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.
My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.
Have you ever thought about toothpaste? Ellen has! And she makes a point about all of the types of toothpaste that Colgate offers!
Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are woman that you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place?