Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1246
The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.
Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you know? It’s always like “Bush sucks!” “U2 Rocks!”
I don't want to be poor. I don't want to be rich to the extent that all I care about is keeping my job. I don't care enough about keeping my job right now. That's good. That makes effective at what I do. I don't want to be frightened of getting fired. So to that end I suppose my ambitions are that I spend less than I earn.
He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.
You might be a redneck if you entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!
My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper. I want to follow in their footsteps. And their footsteps were like this. (Runs screaming) AAAAAAAH! I'm covered in beeeeees!
People are always like, “Oh, she’s such a bitch.” I’m like, “Yeah, I am a bitch, actually.”
There is good news for smokers. The surgeon general’s warnings are different on the sides of each pack. Mine says, “Surgeon General Warning: Cigarette smoking may Cause fetal injury or premature birth.” Hey, fuck it! just don’t get the ones that say lung cancer.
My mother, she never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.
Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.
I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.