Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1246

I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.

If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

You might be a redneck if your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I’m sorry that your life turned out like that.

She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".

Oh, I love stand-up.

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

I'll bet a lot more people would use the phrase 'go fuck yourself' more often if no one needed money.

Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying "things just come to me" should be punishable by death.