Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1246
I don’t care what your hobby is before puberty hits, because as soon as it does, nature assigns you a new hobby. Let’s just say when I was 14, I was treated for tennis elbow and I didn’t even own a racket.
You can say prick on television. If it happens to your finger it’s alright. You can prick your finger, just don’t finger your prick.
Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?
When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with "listen up doll face".
I don't want to be poor. I don't want to be rich to the extent that all I care about is keeping my job. I don't care enough about keeping my job right now. That's good. That makes effective at what I do. I don't want to be frightened of getting fired. So to that end I suppose my ambitions are that I spend less than I earn.
My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper. I want to follow in their footsteps. And their footsteps were like this. (Runs screaming) AAAAAAAH! I'm covered in beeeeees!
People are always like, “Oh, she’s such a bitch.” I’m like, “Yeah, I am a bitch, actually.”
Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.
Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you know? It’s always like “Bush sucks!” “U2 Rocks!”
Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
(on people who join the military) As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.
I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!
[Adulthood feels like] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you