Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1247

You might be a redneck if when you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

It's our flaws who make us who we are.

As a kid I used to wonder around the woods… because my parents would put me there.

What the fuck am I doing?

You might be a redneck if your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

If you’re a transvestite, you’re actually a male tomboy. That’s where the sexuality is… So it’s running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you’re up there.

You can say prick on television. If it happens to your finger it’s alright. You can prick your finger, just don’t finger your prick.

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?

I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.

I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.

People are always like, “Oh, she’s such a bitch.” I’m like, “Yeah, I am a bitch, actually.”

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.