Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1247

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I want to make indifferent graffiti. “Toy Story 2 was okay.”... “I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further”... “This is a bridge!”

Statistically speaking, when a woman says "I'm not going to have sex with you", she'll often have sex with you.

She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.

[on John McCain] I don't need a president with a bucket list!

Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.

It's our flaws who make us who we are.

I don’t care what your hobby is before puberty hits, because as soon as it does, nature assigns you a new hobby. Let’s just say when I was 14, I was treated for tennis elbow and I didn’t even own a racket.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!"