Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1247
You might be a redneck if you can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
My mother, she never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
If you’re a transvestite, you’re actually a male tomboy. That’s where the sexuality is… So it’s running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you’re up there.
As a kid I used to wonder around the woods… because my parents would put me there.
She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. But they couldn't sell soy juice, so they called it soy milk. Because anytime you say soy juice, you actually... start to gag. And they put Soy Milk in with my Moo-Cow fuck milk, and it doesn't belong there, because we all know there's no such thing as Soy milk 'cause there's no soy titty, is there?
There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There’s the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that’s ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There’s the other one, you know, where you go "Ga…bt…jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga…ba…ah, actually that’s not that bad, that is. It’s quite nice."
If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
You might be a redneck if the tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
I want to make indifferent graffiti. “Toy Story 2 was okay.”... “I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further”... “This is a bridge!”