Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1248
In my day, girls used to get pinned in high school. That was the big thing. Now they’re getting nailed.
Have you ever thought about toothpaste? Ellen has! And she makes a point about all of the types of toothpaste that Colgate offers!
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
If you’re a transvestite, you’re actually a male tomboy. That’s where the sexuality is… So it’s running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you’re up there.
There’s a lot of little phrases in the language that don’t say what they mean. Take a shit is one. You don’t take a shit, you leave a shit. That’s the whole idea! To leave it!
Republicans are a party with bad ideas and Democrats are a party with no ideas.
I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.
She quarreled with the nanny and accused her of brushing Misha's teeth sideways rather than up and down.
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. But they couldn't sell soy juice, so they called it soy milk. Because anytime you say soy juice, you actually... start to gag. And they put Soy Milk in with my Moo-Cow fuck milk, and it doesn't belong there, because we all know there's no such thing as Soy milk 'cause there's no soy titty, is there?
People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.
There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There’s the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that’s ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There’s the other one, you know, where you go "Ga…bt…jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga…ba…ah, actually that’s not that bad, that is. It’s quite nice."