Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1248

You women ever look at men’s bodies like they’re meat? Ever do that when you’re alone with your girlfriends. “Look at that baby - that’s is USDA Choice Prime Cut. Mmm mmm mmm.” My body’s the part they make hot dogs out of.

Republicans are a party with bad ideas and Democrats are a party with no ideas.

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.

It's our flaws who make us who we are.

I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed.

People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.

Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.

You might be a redneck if your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

I stopped drinking when I was 17 years old because it’s not good for your health and I fell into a bonfire. Yeah, you’re done there. You don’t need AA. Falling into a bonfire is a one step program.

At the end of a letter I like to write "P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.