Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1248

You might be a redneck if you can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.

I want to make indifferent graffiti. “Toy Story 2 was okay.”... “I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further”... “This is a bridge!”

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

My act’s not for everyone. I get on stage, I feel like I’m leading you into battle. You’re not all going to be here at the end.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher!

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

My father worked for the same firm for twelve years. They fired him. They replaced him with a tiny gadget - this big - that does everything my father does, only it does it much better. The depressing thing is, my mother ran out and bought one.

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with "listen up doll face".

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.