Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1252

I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.

Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.

Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.

I’ve never understood why they call junk mail “spam,” because spam is delicious and junk mail is annoying. But you can still find both under my couch.

If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.