Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1252

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

You might be a redneck if you consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

I was Cesarean born. Can’t really tell. Although, whenever I leave a house I got out through the window.

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?

If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.

You might be a redneck if you look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet 'Ms. Right'

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.