Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1252

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

I get no respect at all - When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide".

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

I used this product called “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.” Because sometimes when I’m having toast I like to be incredulous. “How was breakfast?” “Unbelievable”

You might be a redneck if your secret family recipe is illegal.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

The Bible, if you read it, looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs. “And then God made woman out of a rib. A rib! Look at that.”

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I’ve never understood why they call junk mail “spam,” because spam is delicious and junk mail is annoying. But you can still find both under my couch.

If you ahve ever unloaded your pickup by backing up really fast and slamming on the brakes, you might be a redneck.

"A national day of prayer"? Does that scare the spine out of anyone? Especially when you consider that it's all those dog-shit religions that start these fucking wars to begin with. Ninety percent of every war that's ever been fought is because of some made-up, mind control, completely fictional religion. You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north". No, it's because you got a silly, placebo religion cuz you don't want to admit that you don't fucking know.