Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 131

My question is - after you've been arrested three or four times, who calls up their friends and goes, 'Hey! Let's get an eight-ball, let's get a bag of weed, let's get a gun, let's get a six-pack and - fuck it - I'll drive!'

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

Did you ever have the police follow you for so long, that you get suspicious about your own goddamn self? "Maybe I did kill them people."

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

I've got nothing against tattoos. I don't have one myself. If I did, it would be right there next to my watch. It would say "Your wife's birthday is August 2nd, your anniversary is September 18th, don't let Ron White drive your car again."

My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

Some struggle is healthy. If you can embrace it rather than be angry, you can use it as your pilot light.

It's easy to love somebody. Shit, sit with them a little bit and talk to them a while.

My son comes out of his room wearing these flood pants with holes in both knees. I have no idea where he found these pants. And I go, 'Dude, you gotta change your pants. You can't wear those pants.' He goes, 'I like these pants, these are my favorite pants, I'm gonna wear them.' I didn't know what to say, I'm a young dad, so I go, 'You're gonna be embarrassed.' He looks at me, steps to me a little bit, and goes, 'I'm not gonna be embarrassed. They're your friends. You're gonna be embarrassed.' I was like, 'Son of a bitch.'

I had a white guy tell me... he said, "Bern, why do black folks use the word 'mother-fucker?'" Well, I'm gonna break down what the word "mother-fucker" actually means. "Mother-fucker" is somethin' that black folks have been using for years. It's about expression. Don't be ashamed of the word "mother-fucker." Because the word "mother-fucker" is a noun: it describes a person, place, or thing!

I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

Women look at my brother because he's hot, and they get upset. 'He's gay? What a waste!' I say, 'Hey, I'm not gay.' 'What a shame.'

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Let me tell about Tennessee. If your car breaks down in Tennessee, you have just moved to Tennessee.