Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 131
I was called "Rembrandt" Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.
If I fell asleep right after sex, the prostitute might take some of my shit.
There are two kinds of intelligence in this world. People who are Monopoly smart and people who are Trivial Pursuit smart... If you’re starting your own business, don’t even talk to me. But If you need to know who the lead singer of Kajagoogoo is, I’m your guy. His name is Limahl, by the way.
A lot of weird ads. Sally Struthers with that little kid: 'Just 55 cents, the price of a cup of coffee, feeds this kid and his family for a week.' Yeah, where is that? 'Cause I wanna move there.
I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
Did you ever have the police follow you for so long, that you get suspicious about your own goddamn self? "Maybe I did kill them people."
I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there’s 50 different ways! You hate black people? We’ve a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here’s a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.
Some struggle is healthy. If you can embrace it rather than be angry, you can use it as your pilot light.
You’re born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that’s a law, if you get old you die, that’s a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you’re born with.
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."
Let's define "terrorist organization." A terrorist organization is an organization that makes you feel scared all the time and makes you change your behavior. What does CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC do all the time? That's right. Wolf Blitzer? Terrorist. Glenn Beck? Terrorist. Nancy Grace? Terrorist. And her plastic surgeon. The only news organization that is not a terrorist organization is the BBC. Because the BBC can make the worst things sound okay. "Hello, welcome to the BBC. Satan has re-entered the planet. He is picking up babies with his talons, ripping off their heads, and sucking out their souls. We're in for a thousand years of darkness, all hope is lost and now, the World Cup update."
My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.
Yeah, I'd like to do some cocaine. I'd like to do a drug that makes my penis small, makes my nose bleed, makes my heart explode, and sucks all my money out of the bank.