Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 144
When I look back now I realize I was such an obnoxious kid but, you know, I went to schools like you, like a public school in New York so compared to the anarchy that was going on there, they really wouldn't - I wasn't like a bad kid. I saw people come in and punch the teachers.
I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.
Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.
One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
How exactly do they prove that you've been masturbating? Do they dust for prints?
You want to know how I think art should be taught to children? Take them to a museum and say, "This is art, and you can't do it."
All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.
I live in California, the worst place in the world for fat people. There are three of us. They have us on eight-hour shifts, so it works out.
Our country is founded on a sham: our forefathers were slave-owning rich white guys who wanted it their way. So when I see the American flag, I go, "Oh my God, you're insulting me." That you can have a gay parade on Christopher Street in New York, with naked men and women on a float cheering, 'We're here, we're queer!" - that's what makes my heart swell. Not the flag, but a gay naked man or woman burning the flag. I get choked up with pride.
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
You might be a redneck if you take a fishing pole to Sea World.