Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 144
The first time I tried to put a new diaper on my baby, I yanked the little Velcro strap too jerkily and actually punched the little guy in the jaw. A real solid shot, too. I knew instinctively that this could not be correct. Unless you're specifically trying to raise a welterweight, continual deliverance of powerful uppercuts is not advised when handling newborns.
If I ever find out who told my son this, I will kill them. Apparently, somebody told my son there’s a wiener thief out there, and if he takes his hand off it, Wssh! They’re gonna snatch it away!
All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.
I just mixed a 5 hour energy drink with some sleepy time tea. Let's see who wins this battle.
See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you've got the money!
What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end of your bed.
There are Russian spies here now. And if we're lucky, they'll steal some of our secrets and they'll be two years behind.
You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. "What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight."
I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.