Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 144
I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.
I carry a knife now because I read in a white magazine that all black people carry knives. So I rushed out and bought me one.
You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!
On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.
I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.
I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I’m an outspoken atheist now. People say, ‘Oh, it’s a negative thing to be an atheist.’ I don’t agree. I think it’s more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
One day I was running around playing with my son Connor when afterwards I was sweating, tired and out of breath. I was embarrassed that something as enjoyable as playing with my son was so tough for me to do. Immediately I started an extensive diet and exercise plan. It completely changed my life and helped cure my Type-2 diabetes.
You might be a redneck if you've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
If she gets a hot flash and walks into a cold room, she can make it rain.
Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal with Cracker Barrel. Not the store. He signed a deal with a barrel full of angry rednecks.
Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label.
Animals don't have anyone to protect them. If we don't stand up, the people who are harming animals will never get stopped.