Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 143

See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you've got the money!

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

Mitt Romney wants the Latino vote. He ain't going to get it. He ain't going to get it. And you know why? Because Mitt Romney is a fucking Latino and he won't admit it. His father was born in Chihuahua, Mexico. Mitt Romney is a Chicano. But he won’t admit it. “I am not. I am Danish. I am French.”

First class mail sucks. What is third class mail? They must strap a letter on the back of a mental patient and he wanders aimlessly.

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem.

A Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet.

Women in the workplace - we still have big strides to make. Girlfriend of mine just got a new job. First question the new boss asked her was if she could make a good cup of coffee... Yeah, she stormed right out of that Starbucks.

The problem with the Tea Party is they're all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too.

I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there."

If you bury the pain deep down it will stay with you indefinitely, but if you open yourself to it, experience it, and deal with it head-on, you’ll find it begins to move on after a while.

I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.

Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label.

I ain’t from Africa. I’m from St. Louis.

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who’s the tallest, and act like it’s anyone’s game!

To sustain longevity, you have to evolve.