Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 143
Mitt Romney wants the Latino vote. He ain't going to get it. He ain't going to get it. And you know why? Because Mitt Romney is a fucking Latino and he won't admit it. His father was born in Chihuahua, Mexico. Mitt Romney is a Chicano. But he won’t admit it. “I am not. I am Danish. I am French.”
The problem with the Tea Party is they're all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too.
Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
Everything's nerve-wracking; you really shouldn't be in show business if you can't stand situations that are nerve-wracking, and you just have to learn to push that aside or rip it off and graft it onto your positive, creative energy. I mean, c'mon, I've been in 40, 50 movies and a bunch of TV shows. Someone asked a few months ago how many auditions I took, and I said, "Boy, you got me. A lot, I guess. 700? 2,700? I don't know." And then I started thinking and realized, "Boy, I guess that's a lot." You know what, either get some hard bark on you, or find another line.
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.
I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.
Anyone can have a relationship but if you’re dating a woman who’s so crazy in bed that if you aren’t wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that’s exciting.
If you commit perjury I don't care. Don't give a shit. I don't think you should because you grade murder. You have murder One. Murder Two. You realize that there can be a difference in the level of murder. So there must be a difference in the level of perjury. Perjury One is when you're saying there's no Holocaust when, you know, 10 million people have died in it, and Perjury Nine, is when you said you shagged someone and you didn't.
As women well know, the reason men are no good at playing dumb is most of the time we're not playing.
Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.
What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end of your bed.
Inside the Pop-Tarts Box there are three pouches of two. This is what happens to me: I open the first pouch, and I eat one tart, and I enjoy it very much, as naturally I would. And then I feel, “Well, I have to eat the second one or it will go stale.” Well, now I’ve eaten two, and it’s no longer just a snack, it’s a meal. I figure I may as well eat two more. And then finally I’m just like, “Well hell, I don’t just want two pop tarts hangin’ out in a box.” I eat the last two just to tidy up, really.
I just mixed a 5 hour energy drink with some sleepy time tea. Let's see who wins this battle.
He used to give me one rose, too. Watch out for the one rose givers. He used to say, 'This is one rose for you because you are one special lady.' Yeah, I fell for that mess. After a while, I was like, 'No, no, no, no - this is one rose because you are one cheap bastard - that's what this is.'