Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 145
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
I love New York City. The reason I live in New York City is because it's the loudest city on the planet Earth. It's so loud I never have to listen to any of the shit that's going on in my own head. It's really loud. They literally have guys come with jackhammers and they drill the streets and just leave cones in front of your apartment; you don't even know why. Garbage men come; they don't pick up the garbage, they just bang the cans together. And if your block's too quiet, they actually hire a guy who wanders around going, "Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me!" ... That was the first job I ever had.
Just got a new car - got a little Miata convertible. Pretty happy about it, except for one thing: I'm 6-foot-6, so now I look like a McDonald's toy.
If you commit perjury I don't care. Don't give a shit. I don't think you should because you grade murder. You have murder One. Murder Two. You realize that there can be a difference in the level of murder. So there must be a difference in the level of perjury. Perjury One is when you're saying there's no Holocaust when, you know, 10 million people have died in it, and Perjury Nine, is when you said you shagged someone and you didn't.
I live in California, the worst place in the world for fat people. There are three of us. They have us on eight-hour shifts, so it works out.
I carry a knife now because I read in a white magazine that all black people carry knives. So I rushed out and bought me one.
There are Russian spies here now. And if we're lucky, they'll steal some of our secrets and they'll be two years behind.
Throughout my life, I've been gratified that I've been able to keep the child in me alive and inspire others.
When he was coming up, people were like, 'We have a serious black candidate for president. This is crazy. We have a serious black candidate.' And then when he won, they were like, 'Our first multi-racial president.' And I was like, 'That's not fair.' I mean, let's set the record straight. If you went outside tonight after this show and Barack Obama was stealing your car, you wouldn't yell, 'Hey, someone stop that mixed guy!'
You want to know how I think art should be taught to children? Take them to a museum and say, "This is art, and you can't do it."
As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.