Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 145

How exactly do they prove that you've been masturbating? Do they dust for prints?

I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.

All he ever talked about was threesomes. He's all like, 'Chelsea, you're really gonna like it. It's really popular in Europe.' I'm like, 'So is David Hasselhoff.'

First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did.

It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.

Pizza Hut will accept other pizzeria's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. Mitch's Pizza - this weeks' coupon: free unlimited pizza! Special note: coupon not valid at any of Mitch's Pizza locations. "Free pizza oven with purchase of a small coke."

I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come to Canada and I find out I'm an Eskimo.

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you’re dating a woman who’s so crazy in bed that if you aren’t wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that’s exciting.

I live in California, the worst place in the world for fat people. There are three of us. They have us on eight-hour shifts, so it works out.

One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

Actually it broke my heart to hear that we were going to have to part ways, ... It's a business and they had to do what they had to do.

If you commit perjury I don't care. Don't give a shit. I don't think you should because you grade murder. You have murder One. Murder Two. You realize that there can be a difference in the level of murder. So there must be a difference in the level of perjury. Perjury One is when you're saying there's no Holocaust when, you know, 10 million people have died in it, and Perjury Nine, is when you said you shagged someone and you didn't.

You must not be afraid of small bits of silence. To use it well is the height of confidence and skill for a comedian. It increases the tension in a good way and adds contrast like a curveball complements the fastball of a good pitcher.