Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 15
My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.
Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.
I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.
You lying whore! You used me! You never loved me! I hope you slide under a gas truck and taste your own blood! Die! Die! Die! I want my records back! I want my fucking records back!
You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.
The scrotum - a design fault, excess elbow skin put in between mens legs to keep their balls so they don't have to hold them in their hand. although it didn't work!
I have a lot of beliefs and I live by none of 'em. That's just the way I am. They're just my beliefs. I just like believing them. I like that part. They're my little "believies." They make me feel good about who I am. But if they get in the way of a thing I want, or I want to jack off or something, I fuckin' do that.
Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!
I hate dreaming. Because when you sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know - there I am in a comfortable bed, the next thing you know I have to build a go-kart with my ex-landlord. I want a dream of me watching myself sleep.
I used to say that there were Five Levels of Fatness. Reason why I say "Used to say" is because now there are six! Uh-huh, I met the new one in Las Crucas. The original five levels are Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and Damn! People ask, "What could be bigger than damn!" The new level's called "Oh hell no!" What's the difference? You're still willing to work with level five. Example, if you're on an elevator and you're with your friend and this really big guy gets on and you and your friend look at each other and you're like, "damn!" But you still let the big guy ride your elevator. That's the difference. Level six, you see walking towards your elevator, "Oh hell no! No! No!" That's the difference.
I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said "if you need anything, I'm Jill". I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.
I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"
The war is really about religion. The war's between Jesus and Muhammad. The Christians say Jesus is the messenger. Muslims say Muhammad is the messenger. Who gives a expletive who the messenger is did you get the message?