Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 152
One of my friends goes: "So, you know what really turns me on; when girls talk dirty in bed." Yeah I tried that with my wife. I said: "Hey, talk dirty to me." She said: "Go fuck yourself". Not that dirty.
It’s hard to know what’s gay in life. Boxing. That’s two men fighting over a belt.
You know how Van Nuys got its name? Well, one day my little old Jewish mother was visiting me, and I took her to the top of the Hollywood Hills and had her view the valley below just at sunset. "Well, mama, what would you call that?" And she said, "Ver nize."
We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.
The old problems - love, money, security, status, health, etc. - are still here to plague us or please us.
They’ve got plastic Christmas trees now. They’re hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.
What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end of your bed.
I was talking to a businessman, and I said, "Don't you think most men are little boys?" And he said, "I'm no little boy! I make seventy-five thousand dollars a year." And I said, "Well, the way I look at it - you just have bigger toys."
I saw one of those giant Hummer cars with handicapped tags on it. I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an asshole was technically a handicap.'
They give you a hotel room; you have sex. What is it about a hotel room, the second you walk in, you start bumpin', makin' sandwiches? As soon as you get in the room - she walks in; the guy shuts the door, turns around with a crazy look in his eye: 'Close the drapes.'
Some of the shit marijuana does - we had no idea. Pot doesn't just kill the person who smokes it. It kills everyone within a mile around.
But there are some nice aspects during the transition period. For example, the Bush twins gave the Obama girls a tour of the White House. It was very sweet, but the Obama girls got really scared because they heard creepy organ music coming from Cheney's underground lair.