Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 152
When you screw up, you got to pay the price. Shoot up a supermarket, you go to jail. Ride a motorcycle without a helmet, permanent brain damage and in California you're getting a ticket. Too chatty on a date with my dad, well, he'll push you in front of a cross town bus. Of course, you know, I'm speaking metaphorically. My dad will push you in front of any bus.
If Mike Tyson came up to me and said, “Listen, I want to fuck you in your ass.” The toughest thing I could say back is: “For how long?! Now I need some sort of time frame, my brother! Because you ain’t gonna be fucking me all day long! Now you gotta about three hours to do what you gotta do, then the ass is mine!”
You know what's stupid? Skiing. You get on top of a slippery mountain with sleds on your feet and you go down... big deal. Try not to. Or, go up! Now that'd be a sport for ya!
My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
To a right-winger, unions are awful. Why do right-wingers hate unions? Because collective bargaining is the power that a worker has against the corporation. Right-wingers hate that.
My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
It was seventh grade, and I wanted to get Pumas and Nikes for P.E., like all the other kids. And my mom's boyfriend takes me to K-Mart, you know, to get the cheap-ass shoes that they have there. He's like, 'Hey, they look like Adidas.' And I'm like, 'There's an extra stripe, you dick.'
Sophia Loren, whose new baby asked her, "Is all that for me?" Never got a dinner!
If it wasn't for the olives in his martinis, he'd starve to death!
I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence. They got one marked "brightness" but it don't work, does it?