Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 152
When you screw up, you got to pay the price. Shoot up a supermarket, you go to jail. Ride a motorcycle without a helmet, permanent brain damage and in California you're getting a ticket. Too chatty on a date with my dad, well, he'll push you in front of a cross town bus. Of course, you know, I'm speaking metaphorically. My dad will push you in front of any bus.
If it wasn't for the olives in his martinis, he'd starve to death!
They ain’t curing AIDS. They ain’t never curing AIDS. They ain’t never curing AIDS. Don’t even think about that shit. There ain’t no money in the cure. The money’s in the medicine. That’s how you get paid. On the comeback. That’s how a drug dealer makes his money. On the comeback. That’s all the government is. A bunch of motherfucking drug dealers. On the comeback. They ain’t curing no AIDS.
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
I feel most empires fell when they started to act human, but then look at Russia. They kept a pretty strong hand, and they fell from Afghanistan alone because Afghanistan is the graveyard of empires. I guess you just can't sustain it.
So in the Christian faith God created Adam in his own image, yeah? So that was good, but 65 million years before that God created the dinosaurs using the image of his cousin Ted. And Ted was not the black sheep of the family, he was the huge fucking monster of the family.
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
I'll clue you in on a secret: death is not the worst thing that could happen to you. I know we think that; we are the first society ever to think that. It's not worse than dishonor; it's not worse than losing your freedom; its not worse than losing a sense of personal responsibility.
If you are sitting here tonight or at home, and you're thinking, 'Hey, I'd like to get high with the dude that's been on TV all the time, outside of a comedy venue, like in a parking lot or a park of some sort.' Then that is an achievable goal. You can seriously make that shit happen. All you need is two things: to ask me and have weed.
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
Continuing to do stand-up is always a challenge because the audiences and the environments in which you work very often differ.
I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, "Back up, I don't know how big this gets."
I was just at the newly opened Creationist Museum in Kentucky.... And they have this exhibit of a giant dinosaur...with a saddle on its back. Because the world is only 5000 years old, so man and the dinosaurs had to coexist, and, of course, we rode them. A theory I thought laughable at the age of eight when I saw it on the Flintstones!