Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 151
When I got older I said, "Pa, I want an automobile." He said, "What do you want an automobile for, when you have the subway. Five cents - the open the door for you, you sit down. Then when you get to the station they open the door and you get out. In a $700 auto who's going to open the door for you?" You couldn't argue - they were never stuck for an answer.
So I was watching all the Katrina coverage and I got really angry at... Christians who didn't pray hard enough... It's their fucking fault. First off, they needed to pray against the people that were praying for Katrina to hit, because New Orleans is a den of sin and iniquity; an area where gay people dance! But now they have to pray double, and if they had just put that little effort up front, we could've avoided all of this. I think it's time we take a lesson from history, and return to human sacrifice.
Continuing to do stand-up is always a challenge because the audiences and the environments in which you work very often differ.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I joined a gym recently. I don't have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this time's gonna be different. I figure one of two things is gonna happen: either I'll get into shape, or I'll just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax.
Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"
If you think the stock market has a fence around it, you might be a redneck.
A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
I found that laughter was a form of acceptance, and I really enjoyed that and I just - I crave it.
If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.
My buddies, we've always just tried to make each other laugh. I mean, just like all friends hanging out - that's the goal.
We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?!