Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 151
They’ve got plastic Christmas trees now. They’re hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is "If it feels good - stop."
High school is tough on anyone, an absolute rule of the Universe being that if high school is not a buttockclenchingly awkward, emotionally difficult, and unpleasant time of your life, then the rest of it will be a crushing disappointment. Academic success is desirable, popularity - the only thing that most students really desire - is not. Those who excel socially in high school are truly damned. The homecoming queen does indeed bear the mark of the beast.
It’s hard to know what’s gay in life. Boxing. That’s two men fighting over a belt.
I was on Entourage last week smoking a bong and making out with hookers and I did show them that before, cause it wasn't a hard 'r' cause a lot of people are watching that show that they know, not my little one - she's 12, but very sophisticated so it's an unusual case.
We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.
If Elvis is alive, Tupac is alive. I saw Tupac on 46th Street selling Biggie t-shirts 2 for 10 dollars...
There are Russian spies here now. And if we're lucky, they'll steal some of our secrets and they'll be two years behind.
Yes, I'm a nice man and I enjoy babies. I'm a sensitive guy. I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.
I had many teachers that were great, positive role models and taught me to be a good person and stand up and be a good man. A lot of the principals they taught me still affect how I act sometimes and it's 30 years later.