Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 153
My penis is so small that I have trouble finding it 'cause it's so greatly influenced by mechanical fluctuations in the fabric of space/time. And when I'm having intercourse with a woman, she can only know where my penis is or how fast it's moving 'cause it's small enough and light enough to be fully governed by the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.
My friends were getting married, buying houses, buying cars, and I wasn't doing anything. There was the point was I talk to myself to you, every screw up nature, look at what you've done with your life. But there was always something on the horizon, that was holding, maybe, you know, this will make you different.
A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
The weatherman gets to curse in Chicago - it's license, it's a law, I'm serious. 'What's the five day outlook? Holy shit. It's cold as fuck out, that's what it is.' And there's a picture of a snowman with his middle finger up.
Martin Luther was a German fellow who pinned a note on a church door that said, "Hang on a minute!" Actually, he was German so, "Ein minuten bitter!"
Inside the Pop-Tarts Box there are three pouches of two. This is what happens to me: I open the first pouch, and I eat one tart, and I enjoy it very much, as naturally I would. And then I feel, “Well, I have to eat the second one or it will go stale.” Well, now I’ve eaten two, and it’s no longer just a snack, it’s a meal. I figure I may as well eat two more. And then finally I’m just like, “Well hell, I don’t just want two pop tarts hangin’ out in a box.” I eat the last two just to tidy up, really.
I’m a visionary; I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead.
Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.
My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
My shrink told me that my progress was pointless and she'd prefer to still keep me as a patient but analyze someone else in my place.
I wish people would understand that comedy is an art form, and that the same thing that makes a Picasso painting is the same thing that gives Bill Cosby the ability to do an hour of comedy on his kids.