Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 153

Sophia Loren, whose new baby asked her, "Is all that for me?" Never got a dinner!

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs.

I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.

I was just at the newly opened Creationist Museum in Kentucky.... And they have this exhibit of a giant dinosaur...with a saddle on its back. Because the world is only 5000 years old, so man and the dinosaurs had to coexist, and, of course, we rode them. A theory I thought laughable at the age of eight when I saw it on the Flintstones!

I don’t know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it’s okie dokie. ‘I’m okie dokie. I’m a little shaken up, but I’m okie dokie.’ ‘The good news is, she’s okie dokie. The surgery went fine.’

I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.

You know what's stupid? Skiing. You get on top of a slippery mountain with sleds on your feet and you go down... big deal. Try not to. Or, go up! Now that'd be a sport for ya!

You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only... only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.

If you aren't in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret.

The difference between Las Vegas and Atlantic City is the difference between getting conned by a beautiful call girl and getting mugged by a crack head.

Money's scarce, Times are hard, Here's your fucking Xmas card.

All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit?

The giant superstars are people whose talent is so enormous that their death wish can't destroy it.

I've never walked off stage and said, "I shouldn't have done that." Because when you do what I do, you're like a fighter. You throw the right hand and say, "That's what got me to this dance." You can't have doubt. If you have doubt, there's no show.