Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 168
I'm mad at my roommate for masturbating in front of the computer. It's my computer. And he doesn't even watch anything.
And if I die early the situation will be auto-erotic asphyxiation, I hate my life and it hates me back!
You know, the energy I think I was just born with. I think I was just always like that as I kid; I was always real energetic.
I'm a friend of the CEO of Twitter and he showed me how to be on it, but it causes such an uproar if what you post is perceived in a negative light.
I was a lifeguard once in the Catskills. Saved a little boy's life. He was a real brat, 9 or 10 years old. His idea of fun was playing catch with farina, tripping the bellhops. The staff couldn't stand him. Then one day against my orders he went to the deep end of the pool. I anticipated it and pulled him out. His parents tipped me $5. Now, what I can't figure out is how did they come up with the figure? How do you tip somebody who saved your son's life? What's the conversation like? The father says: “I don't know, we'll give him $15.” Wife says, “$15, we're not made of money.” “Well,” says the father, “how long have we had the boy? We'll give him $5.” I could have gotten $15 from the staff to let the kid drown!
Colin Farrel was recently asked about prostitutes and he said, "It's like ordering a pizza." Really? What restaurant is he going to? All I ever get is a pizza... I guess in some ways it is - when it’s delivered, it's never quite as hot as you hoped it would be.
I’m very arrogant and mean. I’m almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee. Sometimes old people hike by mistake.
My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.
The other kid we have she's a girl and she's four. And she's also a fuckin' asshole. It's true man, I'm serious. I say that with no remorse. Fucking asshole, she's a douchebag. She is! Fucking jerk.
That's the thing about jazz: it's free flowing, it comes from your soul.
When you consider the overpopulation in this world... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.