Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 168
Women in general suck at raising kids. That's right, I said it! Who wants some? C'mon! When a woman sees a kid putting a penny in a light socket, what does she do? "No!" You smack that little hand. "Well there!" When that kid's five, getting smacked in the hand is no big deal anymore. Men see the exact same kid putting a penny in a light socket and go: "No no wait wait... shh shh shh shh... well go on!" "Well, you're not gonna do that again are ya? I know it hurt. Shot your ass about 8 feet, I saw. Get up. Yes your eyebrows will grow back."
My father is a Jehovah's Witness, and he raised us under a very strict hand.
You know you’re black motherfucka when you put fingerprints on charcoal.
When we started building out here, we knew this was where we were headed. After we built our first one, we realized a lot of our custom homes would have qualified for Built Green. Some of it's the quality of work, some of it's what the market entails for this type of home: It's what the buyers expect.
Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both... different. In spelling.
And if I die early the situation will be auto-erotic asphyxiation, I hate my life and it hates me back!
I went into Claridge's for lunch the other day - all I ordered was a fruit salad and coffee, and I had to book another week at the Palladium.
No one smokes because they like the way it tastes. If we did, they'd make cigarette-flavored cookies, candy, ice cream. "What is this? Marlboro fudge with nuts? Give me a scoop of that, willya? She's gonna have the Menthol Swirl with the Camel chip."
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
In the fifties I had dreams about touching a naked woman and she would turn to bronze or the dream about hot dogs chasing donuts through the Lincoln Tunnel.
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.