Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 168

One of my friends goes: "So, you know what really turns me on; when girls talk dirty in bed." Yeah I tried that with my wife. I said: "Hey, talk dirty to me." She said: "Go fuck yourself". Not that dirty.

I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.

My mother is old, but she jokes around. She lives in a senior living home. After a certain age some people don’t like joking. They take her sarcasm the wrong way. I get that from my family. Everybody talks over each other. The first time I took my wife to my family reunion, she said, “I don’t know what’s going on. I can’t do this!”

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.

We live in a country where John Lennon takes eight bullets, Yoko Ono is walking right beside him and not one hits her. Explain that to me!

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.

I'm mad at my roommate for masturbating in front of the computer. It's my computer. And he doesn't even watch anything.

That's the thing about jazz: it's free flowing, it comes from your soul.

It’s hard to know what’s gay in life. Boxing. That’s two men fighting over a belt.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't "taper off." You've got to quit, cold jerky!

Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

You only live once, but once is more than enough if you live it well!