Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 169
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
There are so many types of shoes. There's so many categories, and I really have no idea what type of shoe I need at any given time. And I go in there - I find it a little bit overwhelming. 'Welcome to the shoe store! What are you looking for? Are you looking for walking shoes?' Well, uh, I'd like to have that option. Hopefully, they're adjustable. I mean, I'd like to be able to turn them up to other settings, as well.
With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he’s a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audience - and they can look like complete amateurs. It’s remarkable.
See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.
You can stump any stoner with one question: what were we just talking about?
A new biography of Madonna came out last week, and apparently the biography lists all the men she's slept with. The book is apparently called the Manhattan Telephone Directory.
Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.
If God had intended women to prostitute themselves, he would have given them a free will and a vagina.
I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in 2001.
Some people think I'm high on stage. I would never get high before a show, because when I'm high, I don't wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you're high, and a joke doesn't work, it's extra scary. It's like,"Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?"
Your eyes flashed fire into my soul. I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I fancy you!
Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
Every time a friend of mine has a kid I go over to the crib and say, "You know, I used to hold your father’s head while he threw up."
You watch a fishing show. At the end, they roll credits. There's 90 people involved with these two guys fishing! What the hell are they all doing? And one of the credits is 'film editor.' This poor guy, he's got to watch all the footage that's not exciting enough to make it into the final product.