Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 169
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I went into Claridge's for lunch the other day - all I ordered was a fruit salad and coffee, and I had to book another week at the Palladium.
If you think the stock market has a fence around it, you might be a redneck.
We live in a country where John Lennon takes eight bullets, Yoko Ono is walking right beside him and not one hits her. Explain that to me!
My mother is old, but she jokes around. She lives in a senior living home. After a certain age some people don’t like joking. They take her sarcasm the wrong way. I get that from my family. Everybody talks over each other. The first time I took my wife to my family reunion, she said, “I don’t know what’s going on. I can’t do this!”
You know you’re black motherfucka when you put fingerprints on charcoal.
A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color... person?"
I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason.
I used to ask my father, "Can we go on vacation?" He'd say, "Yeah, on the fire escape." One day I was out there when it was raining, and I banged on the fire escape. He said, "I can't hear you, you're on vacation." Then he'd ask, "Do you really want to go on vacation? O. K. The Whole family will go, pack your bag." In those days they had little cowboy bags. I put my shirt in and - we went into the yard. The yard! He said, "Isn't it wonderful that you are here, in India?" I looked at my father like he was cracking up. He said, "It was a wonderful trip on that boat." I said, "This isn't India." He said, "If I say you're in India, you're in India."
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
There are so many types of shoes. There's so many categories, and I really have no idea what type of shoe I need at any given time. And I go in there - I find it a little bit overwhelming. 'Welcome to the shoe store! What are you looking for? Are you looking for walking shoes?' Well, uh, I'd like to have that option. Hopefully, they're adjustable. I mean, I'd like to be able to turn them up to other settings, as well.