Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 167
Horses are among the most regal, majestic creatures to hold up traffic while they stop to shit in the street.
I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming "No, that's not what I said!"
If the rich are evil why are you sitting in their library? Why are you sitting in their hall? Why did I just listen to a whole show on orangutans with no commercials that they paid for?
A lot of young people make the mistake of going into comedy just because it's a lucrative business, as opposed to earlier, even Steven and I, we were in 'Second City,' we never... thought of going beyond 'Second City' in Chicago.
Had an unexplained burst of happiness today. Doctor said not to worry it will go away.
The most popular Valentine’s Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800's, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you’re going to be alone, who cares if you get fat.
To a right-winger, unions are awful. Why do right-wingers hate unions? Because collective bargaining is the power that a worker has against the corporation. Right-wingers hate that.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
Ladies, you’ve got to be the shit to you. Stop waiting on a nigga to verify if you’re the shit or not. We’re tired of y’all blaming us for shit we ain’t even in control of. You’ve done got with a nigga and now you talking about, “You fucked up my self esteem.” Bitch, it’s called self esteem! How the fuck can I fuck up how you feel about you, simple bitch?
I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.
I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.