Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 174
You can’t be comfortable in whatever that societal group is – kindergarten, school, basketball, whatever. You have to have an outsider point of view.
My uncle was the first one in my family to get a telephone. It was like going to the moon. He came running over to tell us, and we were so proud. A telephone! We didn't have to go to the candy store to phone any more. We went around telling everyone. But we didn't hear from my uncle for three days, so my father got worried. He said, "Let's go over there." We got there, and my uncle was very depressed. I asked, "What's the matter?" He said, "I got a telephone and nobody called me." He didn't give his number out - he didn't know that you had to!
The Left believes in cradle to the grave assistance, it’s just sometimes really tricky making it to the cradle.
There are so many opportunities that I could've gotten before if I had just took a little more of a risk.
It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.
That's a very white attitude. You can take a white guy to Africa, and he'd be like, 'Look at all the minorities they got over here. Jesus!'
You watch a fishing show. At the end, they roll credits. There's 90 people involved with these two guys fishing! What the hell are they all doing? And one of the credits is 'film editor.' This poor guy, he's got to watch all the footage that's not exciting enough to make it into the final product.
They give you a hotel room; you have sex. What is it about a hotel room, the second you walk in, you start bumpin', makin' sandwiches? As soon as you get in the room - she walks in; the guy shuts the door, turns around with a crazy look in his eye: 'Close the drapes.'
I read something in the paper that really confused me the other day. It said that 80 percent of the people in New York are minorities... Shouldn't you not call them minorities when they get to be 80 percent of the population? That's a very white attitude, don't you think? I mean, you could take a white guy to Africa and he'd be like 'Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.'
When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
There’s only so many pictures of yourself you can look at and hate before you have to just accept that you are a goofy looking fuck.