Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 174
I'm one of those passengers who arrives at the airport five or six hours early so I can throw back a few drinks and muster up the courage to board the plane. Apparently I'm not alone because I've never been in an empty airport bar. I don't care what time you get there. Even at 8:00 a.m. you have to fight your way to the bar. At that hour, everyone drinks Bloody Marys so no one can tell it's booze- at least until they fall off their chair.
Dolly Parton, who said to Mrs. Olson, "Yes, they're mountain-grown." Never got a dinner!
Let’s not pretend that anyone in here likes Nebraska. Have you ever wondered why theres storm chasers? An hour in Omaha and I’m looking for a tornado to take me any place. Get me the hell out of there, uh, no wonder there all fat it’s so they’ll stay on the ground.
When you have a knowledge of history, it's very soothing. When there's continuity in your life, it's soothing.
I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.
I want a black Gummi Bear. You ever see a black Gummi Bear? No, because Gummi Bears are as racist as hell. They come in every color but black. They got orange, yellow, green, invisible - come on. They must have got somebody on the candy committee like, 'We gave you niggers a jelly bean nobody eats. We're not going to take a chance on a Gummi Bear.'
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Just because a guy has a shaved head, pierced nipples, and doesn't have sex with women doesn't make him gay. It just makes him down on his luck.
Do unto others as you would've them do unto you. Scientific prove that to be a fact for every action is the opposite as equal reaction. Don't fuck with me, and i won't fuck with you.
There's no 'brothers' when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio... I don't know that guy.
If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
Well, I am not always joking, sometimes I am serious. But some people always expect you to be funny. If you were like you are on stage, you would be obnoxious. With the jokes and the putdowns, I would need to take a break... juggle something.