Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 174
But I said wait a minute, I'm going to get a computer, I can do this as well as anybody else. So I did some studying so I knew what kind of boards to get to put a PC together. But there was a guy sitting there with Apple. I said, 'what's that?' and he goes, 'Apple with 128k, it's all built into the box,' and I bought it. That was my first computer.
Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.
If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.
Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.
Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.
You watch a fishing show. At the end, they roll credits. There's 90 people involved with these two guys fishing! What the hell are they all doing? And one of the credits is 'film editor.' This poor guy, he's got to watch all the footage that's not exciting enough to make it into the final product.
My father is a Jehovah's Witness, and he raised us under a very strict hand.
Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.
The musical number for Crash was one of the most depressing things I've ever seen. And not because it was about racism, but because it was horrible... and about racism.
Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I’ll go with the fries.
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."