Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 174
This world is bullshit. And just because I appear in music video wherein I am in my underwear, and make young women feel not good enough so that they become anorxeic; and okay, maybe because of that I became popular more quickly than other singers who are, I don't know, maybe more talented or better songwriters. That doesn't matter because, and... um... my boyfriend is a magician, and he can pull a quarter out of your ear and say things like 'We have not met before have we?' Go with yourself.
If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't "taper off." You've got to quit, cold jerky!
My mother is old, but she jokes around. She lives in a senior living home. After a certain age some people don’t like joking. They take her sarcasm the wrong way. I get that from my family. Everybody talks over each other. The first time I took my wife to my family reunion, she said, “I don’t know what’s going on. I can’t do this!”
When you have a knowledge of history, it's very soothing. When there's continuity in your life, it's soothing.
I'm completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.
Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.
Sex is not that important; it's the afterward part when you're naked and it's warm. Watching the sun come up through the windshield you look in her good eye and you help strap on her leg and you know: you fucked a pirate.
Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
All these words we use, anybody can be a genius now. It used to be you had to have a thought no one ever had before or you had to invent a number. Now, it's like, "Hey, I've got a cup in case we need another cup." "Dude, you're a genius!"
When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!
A lot of these kids have no fathers, and they want to be gangsters. They don't believe in God and have no faith in anything but their own instincts. Boxing provides a way for them to express themselves in a positive way, and I'm happy to be able to help them.
Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.
The Left believes in cradle to the grave assistance, it’s just sometimes really tricky making it to the cradle.