Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 173
I’m very arrogant and mean. I’m almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
Do you know what Bill Gates has to pull out of an old coat, to feel like I did with a $20 bill? First of all, the idea that Bill Gates has an old coat is preposterous. If he has an old coat, it's the coat Abe Lincoln was shot in and he wears it as a bathrobe - no underwear by the way. He lets his billionaire balls swing willy-nilly beneath the death cloak of the great emancipator. That's your 1%.
I read something in the paper that really confused me the other day. It said that 80 percent of the people in New York are minorities... Shouldn't you not call them minorities when they get to be 80 percent of the population? That's a very white attitude, don't you think? I mean, you could take a white guy to Africa and he'd be like 'Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.'
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
If you think ‘loading the dishwasher’ means ‘getting your wife drunk’, you might be a redneck.
Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.
When you have a knowledge of history, it's very soothing. When there's continuity in your life, it's soothing.
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.
I'm completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.
A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.
I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration.
There are so many opportunities that I could've gotten before if I had just took a little more of a risk.