Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 173
Money comes and goes. I'm thankful I have money. I'm trying to save up more. I would like more money. But it's not happiness. If you're a millionaire and hate your family, hate your friends and your life, then what is the point? You're just a person with a lot of money and power who is not happy.
If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.
We live in a three dimensional plane. Life is on the third planet from the sun not the second. Ain't nobody lying on a piece of paper looking at each other.
Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? Yeah! Hilarious ring tones? Oh gah! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. I''s an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.
What a curse it must be being a bisexual. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet?!
I never played music, but it's an important thing... the studying, the inspiration.
Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.
My son I worry about. I'm pretty sure he's gonna be gay. At this point I'm just hoping he's not a bottom. Sorry to sound closed-minded and uptight, but let's face it, no dad wants his son to be gay. Not only do you get no grandkids, but I'm sure high school is no picnic for a fifteen-year-old gay boy. On the other hand, maybe I'm just viewing this through the bifocals of an old heterosexual dude. The way things are going, my son will probably get his ass kicked for not being gay. "Carolla thinks he's too good to suck cock. Come on boys, lets get him."
No one smokes because they like the way it tastes. If we did, they'd make cigarette-flavored cookies, candy, ice cream. "What is this? Marlboro fudge with nuts? Give me a scoop of that, willya? She's gonna have the Menthol Swirl with the Camel chip."
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
When you have a knowledge of history, it's very soothing. When there's continuity in your life, it's soothing.
Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world... 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go.
But I said wait a minute, I'm going to get a computer, I can do this as well as anybody else. So I did some studying so I knew what kind of boards to get to put a PC together. But there was a guy sitting there with Apple. I said, 'what's that?' and he goes, 'Apple with 128k, it's all built into the box,' and I bought it. That was my first computer.