Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 175

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

There’s only so many pictures of yourself you can look at and hate before you have to just accept that you are a goofy looking fuck.

Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.

When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!

Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.

I was just following the corporate manifest, but at the premiere my sister punched me in the stomach. I thought, 'This doesn't bode well for the public.'

I think all the knowledge and all the travels that I've done, I'm going to do a lot of great work in the future.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.

You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."

You only live once, but once is more than enough if you live it well!

There’s a lot of controversy online, some people say i’m a genius and other say i’m hugely talented.

I don't think the problem is telling people you're on a diet. The problem is eating ice cream for breakfast.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.

Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world... 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go.