Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 175
I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration.
Sharks attack surfers because they look like a seal. Apparently, when you’re layng on your board and you have your arms and legs hanging off, from underneath you look like a seal. So I just got a picture of a seal and put a red line through it and put it underneath my board.
I was worried about the ground, and while I thought it was quicker than ideal, there was no jar.
Apple released the upgraded version of the iPhone 4, called the iPhone 4S. I think the "S" stands for "suckers."
One of my sisters wanted to be an opera singer. So, we spent a few dollars to try to train her, because Italian people would like to have an opera singer in the family. But she's got trouble coughing, let alone singing. One day, she was in the shower singing 'Madame Butterfly,' three days later the Japs attacked Pearl Harbor.
This world is bullshit. And just because I appear in music video wherein I am in my underwear, and make young women feel not good enough so that they become anorxeic; and okay, maybe because of that I became popular more quickly than other singers who are, I don't know, maybe more talented or better songwriters. That doesn't matter because, and... um... my boyfriend is a magician, and he can pull a quarter out of your ear and say things like 'We have not met before have we?' Go with yourself.
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
I find that at most theme parks, the theme is ‘Wait in Line, Fatty.’
When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
My uncle was the first one in my family to get a telephone. It was like going to the moon. He came running over to tell us, and we were so proud. A telephone! We didn't have to go to the candy store to phone any more. We went around telling everyone. But we didn't hear from my uncle for three days, so my father got worried. He said, "Let's go over there." We got there, and my uncle was very depressed. I asked, "What's the matter?" He said, "I got a telephone and nobody called me." He didn't give his number out - he didn't know that you had to!
I honestly think hipsters eat with their assholes because they consume everything wrong.