Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 175
Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.
There are so many opportunities that I could've gotten before if I had just took a little more of a risk.
I saw this sign posted once, it said, 'blasting zone ahead'. Wow... shouldn't that read: Road Closed. What do you mean there's a blasting zone, what am I supposed to do, 'Hey, ah, you might wanna buckle up, blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're... Oh! We're getting close! Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one - we lost Billy?
With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he’s a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audience - and they can look like complete amateurs. It’s remarkable.
Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.
I like rock, paper, scissors - two-thirds. Rock breaks scissors: these scissors are bent, they're destroyed, I can't cut stuff - I lose. Scissor cuts paper: this is strips, this is not even paper, this can take me forever to put this back together - you got me. Paper covers rock: rock is fine, no structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point, just say the word. Paper sucks. It should be rock, dynamite with a cuttable wick, scissors.
When my stepfather died, I just kind of fell apart. I felt pretty vulnerable, like there literally could be no tomorrow.
You can equate acting to a tennis game: When you're playing one of the best, you get better.
Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
Consider the rose... The rose is the sweetest smelling flower of all, and it's the most beautiful because it's the most simple, right? But sometimes, you got to clip the rose. You got to cut the rose back, so something sweeter smelling and stronger, and even more beautiful, will grow in its place.
The good thing about Pittsburgh, it's a good place to be raised... it doesn't tolerate assholes. You're either a good guy or you're a bad guy... When I'm in Los Angeles having these incredibly surreal moments where nobody's saying anything and everybody's talking incessantly, I always have that Pittsburgh voice in my head - shut up, smile, get the job, move on.
When we started building out here, we knew this was where we were headed. After we built our first one, we realized a lot of our custom homes would have qualified for Built Green. Some of it's the quality of work, some of it's what the market entails for this type of home: It's what the buyers expect.
Nobody ever had to tell you it's wrong to kill your mama. Somehow you born innately knowin' that. Which means you born knowin' right and wrong so put the book down. Cause it will fuck you up.
Do you know what Bill Gates has to pull out of an old coat, to feel like I did with a $20 bill? First of all, the idea that Bill Gates has an old coat is preposterous. If he has an old coat, it's the coat Abe Lincoln was shot in and he wears it as a bathrobe - no underwear by the way. He lets his billionaire balls swing willy-nilly beneath the death cloak of the great emancipator. That's your 1%.