Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 175
You should have a value system. You can win if you stick with your value system.
They give you a hotel room; you have sex. What is it about a hotel room, the second you walk in, you start bumpin', makin' sandwiches? As soon as you get in the room - she walks in; the guy shuts the door, turns around with a crazy look in his eye: 'Close the drapes.'
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
I read something in the paper that really confused me the other day. It said that 80 percent of the people in New York are minorities... Shouldn't you not call them minorities when they get to be 80 percent of the population? That's a very white attitude, don't you think? I mean, you could take a white guy to Africa and he'd be like 'Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.'
Your eyes flashed fire into my soul. I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I fancy you!
Dolly Parton, who said to Mrs. Olson, "Yes, they're mountain-grown." Never got a dinner!
Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.
I really, really love Hilary Clinton. I think she's very cool. She's out there and she's involved.
I saw a door onetime that said “Exit Only.” So I entered it, and I went up to the guy working there and said, “I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door here. By like 100%, man.”
If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.
You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym!
Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.
New York has always been a sense of eclectic kind of freedom and expression on a lot of different levels.