Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 176
You only live once, but once is more than enough if you live it well!
Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.
You know, sometimes you can't just take an armadillo, put it in the barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice.
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
There’s a lot of controversy online, some people say i’m a genius and other say i’m hugely talented.
Being a lawyer in New York sucks because you're working eighty, sometimes a hundred hours a week.
Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
Another thing when I'm president? If you're in the army, the navy, any branch of the armed forces... you can fuck whoever you want!
Dean Martin’s great-great-uncle, Ebenezer Martin, who said to Eli Whitney, "I see the cotton, but where’s the gin?" Never got a dinner!
As you get older you realize your parents don't look so dumb - and that you're not as smart as you thought you were.
I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry."
But I said wait a minute, I'm going to get a computer, I can do this as well as anybody else. So I did some studying so I knew what kind of boards to get to put a PC together. But there was a guy sitting there with Apple. I said, 'what's that?' and he goes, 'Apple with 128k, it's all built into the box,' and I bought it. That was my first computer.