Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 176
You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym!
If God had intended women to prostitute themselves, he would have given them a free will and a vagina.
Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.
Donald Trump celebrated a birthday last week, when asked how it feels to be 61, Trump said, "Rosie's a fat loser ... she's ugly on the inside".
Red flag of the eating disorder: the muffin. Keep your eye on the ladies with the muffins... and sometimes I'll just eat the muffin top.
Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: "Are your ready?"
I’m very arrogant and mean. I’m almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
I will call you stupid for not knowing shit that I just found out yesterday.
And if you made a factor tree of the factors that caused my girl to leave me you'd have a tree... Full of Asian porn.
I had that game Operation. Big naked white guy... He had no pee pee at all. He was like that guy from the movie Silence of the Lambs remember he tucked it in... "Put the lotion in the basket..." I use to do it I'd come out of my girlfriend's bathroom and go look I'm just like you! I was always afraid that one time she'd be like "Oh yeah! I'm just like you!"
As you get older you realize your parents don't look so dumb - and that you're not as smart as you thought you were.
When we started building out here, we knew this was where we were headed. After we built our first one, we realized a lot of our custom homes would have qualified for Built Green. Some of it's the quality of work, some of it's what the market entails for this type of home: It's what the buyers expect.
Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a couch."