Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 176
Nobody ever had to tell you it's wrong to kill your mama. Somehow you born innately knowin' that. Which means you born knowin' right and wrong so put the book down. Cause it will fuck you up.
Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I’ll go with the fries.
You can equate acting to a tennis game: When you're playing one of the best, you get better.
Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.
Nothing will rob you of what little testosterone you do have like crawling into a bed with a chihuahua. As a guy you could be wearing a Hello Kitty backpack, carrying dandelions and licking a penis-shaped lollipop and that, my friends, would be one third as gay as waking up in the morning to find you and a chihuahua are spooning.
If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, "I don't think he knows where he's going."
With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he’s a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audience - and they can look like complete amateurs. It’s remarkable.
Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
There are things about the Jewish religion that I carry with me to this day. Chief among them is Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, as it's so happily called. It had a profound effect on my innocent young mind. The service opens with the organ playing "Kol Nidre," one of the spookiest pieces of music ever written. You hear it and literally are surprised bats and shit aren't flying around.
There's no math equation that equals ratings or demographics or even takes into consideration "The Man Show". What the fuck is "The Man Show" audience? You either go up there and connect, or you go up there and you don't connect.
Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.
Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.
I saw a door onetime that said “Exit Only.” So I entered it, and I went up to the guy working there and said, “I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door here. By like 100%, man.”