Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 176

Money comes and goes. I'm thankful I have money. I'm trying to save up more. I would like more money. But it's not happiness. If you're a millionaire and hate your family, hate your friends and your life, then what is the point? You're just a person with a lot of money and power who is not happy.

All birds masturbate. Yeah, you thought that was shit on your car.

There are things about the Jewish religion that I carry with me to this day. Chief among them is Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, as it's so happily called. It had a profound effect on my innocent young mind. The service opens with the organ playing "Kol Nidre," one of the spookiest pieces of music ever written. You hear it and literally are surprised bats and shit aren't flying around.

I will call you stupid for not knowing shit that I just found out yesterday.

If God had intended women to prostitute themselves, he would have given them a free will and a vagina.

What happens is fucking say you can do the joke, but what they're going to do is take your beautiful broth and dump a pillowcase full of flour into it. Then, they say you can still have your broth, but it's not so good anymore, and ultimately it's the people who get the crappy soup because they're worried about the one guy who is allergic to it and not the rest of us.

You should have a value system. You can win if you stick with your value system.

I was just following the corporate manifest, but at the premiere my sister punched me in the stomach. I thought, 'This doesn't bode well for the public.'

Now, a brother's dick is too big, so it'll fuck up his balance... Every time you see a brother in a wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.

My wife at times will say I'm stubborn, selfish, insensitive, vague, deaf at times, blah, blah, blah... but she's never said I was boring!

Donald Trump celebrated a birthday last week, when asked how it feels to be 61, Trump said, "Rosie's a fat loser ... she's ugly on the inside".

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: "Are your ready?"

Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.

I saw a door onetime that said “Exit Only.” So I entered it, and I went up to the guy working there and said, “I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door here. By like 100%, man.”

If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, "I don't think he knows where he's going."