Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 19
We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
I say fuck shoes! Your shoes do not represent you! Neither here, nor in a court of law!
He died of natural causes? Well he got shot in the face with a bazooka... So naturally he’d be dead.
'I had to sit on the runway for 40 minutes.' Oh my god, really? What happened then, did you fly through the air like a bird, incredibly? Did you soar into the clouds, impossibly? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight and then land softly on giant tires that you couldn't even conceive how they fucking put air in them? You're sitting in a chair in the sky. You're like a Greek myth right now.
I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could become a M.I.A. and then we'd all be put out on K.P.
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
I walked in on him masturbating. He's like, 'Are you mad?' I'm like, 'Uh no, but you seem to be. Holy shit. Does it owe you money?'
That’s why my girlfriend and I broke up: she wanted kids, and I... well, she wanted kids. I had no idea her philosophy was that flawed. She goes, “Wouldn’t it be nice to have a kid? To have this fresh, clean slate which we could fill. A little clean spirit, innocent, and to fill it with good ideas.” Yeah, yeah, how about this? If you’re so fucking altruistic, why don’t you leave the little clean spirit wherever it is right now? Okay? Horrible act, childbirth. Nightmare. Bringing... I would never bring a kid to this fucking planet.
Some people have a way with words, and other people... oh, uh, not have way.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.