Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 19
I was married to a subliterate, terra-cotta-toothed imbecile with violent tendencies.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day. I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol. And then I thought, that's what I'm going to use it on. Why am I judging this poor bastard?
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."
The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which gave me the courage.
I woke up in an ambulance. And it wasn’t nothing but white people staring at me. I said, “Ain’t this a bitch. I done died and wound up in the wrong muthafucking heaven.”
Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.
The highway cop said, “Walk a straight line.” I said, “Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you could ever come to achieving a straight line would be making an electroencephalogram of your own brain waves.” He said, “You’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Do you wish to retain that right?” I thought, “Oooh, a paradox!”
You gotta be cool when you're macho man, cuz you can't be sensitive and care about someone having a good time in bed, cuz that's too scary... When you don't use sensitivity when you're having sex, or share some of your soul, nothing gonna happen, because men really get afraid. Men really get scared in bed.
My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.
Comedy rules! Don't let anybody tell you otherwise, and there are no rules in stand-up comedy, which I really like. You can do anything you want and you can say anything that comes to mind, just so long as it's funny. If you ain't funny then get the fuck off the stage, it`s that simple.
My first regular comedy gig, I hosted an open mic in my college town… One show, I had an ex-girlfriend who showed up to perform. I had to introduce her to the stage. It was very awkward. “Coming to the stage is the cold-hearted bitch who broke my heart. You may know her for not returning my phone calls and also giving out mediocre blowjobs.”