Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 184
Well... you know, I would wake up with a terrible hangover in a jail somewhere and worst part was that I would not know why I was there.
'The Bernie Mac Show' is my life. It's the truth, and I'm not ashamed of a minute, an hour, or a second of my life.
People need motivation to do anything. I don't think human beings learn anything without desperation.
You make due with the time you have here. Hopefully when you pass on, somebody can look back and say, 'Wow, they made a difference in some kind of way.'
I have a cousin Ernie who buys stuff. He's got a big snowblower that's actually the biggest snowblower you can buy, with a remote control, so he doesn't even have to go outside. He's got the microwave and a satellite dish, it's all in one. He cooks and watches at the same time.
The street in the center of town was Butts road. I stole the sign and told the audience, this must be where the assholes live. I also had a Neighborhood Crime Watch - it takes about 20 seconds to break into a house but it took me an hour to unbolt this sign.
When you go through a tunnel - you're going on a train - you go through a tunnel, the tunnel is dark, but you're still going forward. Just remember that. But if you're not going to get up on stage for one night because you're discouraged or something, then the train is going to stop. Everytime you get up on stage, if it's a long tunnel, it's going to take a lot of times of going on stage before things get bright again. You keep going on stage, you go forward. Every night you go on stage.
Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.
And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don’t up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don’t put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!
I had been vegan for about six months when I went to a taping of Ellen's show. She had heard that I was vegan and was inquiring about it. Lesbians are really known for being animal lovers. Gay women always have so many pets. Besides loving my dogs, I really see animals all on the same plane. And after reading a book like Skinny Bitch or seeing videos from inside a dairy farm or a slaughterhouse, it's really hard to turn back. Because we love animals so much, it's the next logical step.
If you believe that the world is going to come to an end - and perhaps any day now - does it not drain one's motivation to improve life on earth while we're here?
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
I saw this sign posted once, it said, 'blasting zone ahead'. Wow... shouldn't that read: Road Closed. What do you mean there's a blasting zone, what am I supposed to do, 'Hey, ah, you might wanna buckle up, blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're... Oh! We're getting close! Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one - we lost Billy?