Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 184
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a couple yards away, until you realize it's a bunch of shit you don't need.
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have no idea what they're saying.
"You need to work on your people skills." "Shut up, Bret."
You can’t be comfortable in whatever that societal group is – kindergarten, school, basketball, whatever. You have to have an outsider point of view.
You know, the energy I think I was just born with. I think I was just always like that as I kid; I was always real energetic.
I wish people would understand that comedy is an art form, and that the same thing that makes a Picasso painting is the same thing that gives Bill Cosby the ability to do an hour of comedy on his kids.
'But he was so great!’ Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation.
Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.
The reason you should go to Las Vegas is because, for only the second time, the second time, ever, they have rebuilt Sodom and Gomorrah. It's back!! And you have the opportunity to see it before it turns to salt.
How big are muffins going to get before we all join hands across America? Have you seen them? They're huge. "Yeah, I'll take a coffee and... Oh, my God! Yeah, I'll have the beanbag chair with raisins."
Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass... but you just pushed my jackass button.
My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"