Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 184

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

I tell people that stand-up's like golf: you gotta do it every day to get it down - or at least three times a week to get it down.

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

I think most politicians are bisexual than bipartisan.

Watched Terms of Enrearment. Don't play dumb. Don't, it offends me. Bang the Nun Slowly. I think it's a remake. Your Ass Licked Part. That one's scary a little bit. There's one with midgets. Itty Bitty Gang Bang. I'm not sure if that was worth $7.95. It's a write off. Awww Schindler's Fist. So usually... I don't... I don't like the political stuff. The political porn isn't really where it's at late night.

You can’t wait forever for an audience to get the joke, but you should give them at least two seconds to join in before you go on to the next one.

I've been a character actor, which I define as "anyone in the movie who's not kissing Renee Zellweger.

Freaks everywhere. I went to a church in Chicago. Church had six Commandments and four do-the-best-you-cans.

There were 84 original episodes. It was rated No. 1 and No. 2 on the Fox Children's Network. We figured it was time to make it available to people who have never watched it.

Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air.

I've had people come up to me, as home viewers, and tell me they were screaming at the TV, yelling at each other, yelling at the contestants.

'Dancing With the Stars' is so Middle America, and people take it so seriously.

I was at my parents' house all day - because I live there.

My father was the king of the joke-tellers. I was so impressed as a child watching him, holding people in rapt attention.