Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 184
Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. I had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.
Freaks everywhere. I went to a church in Chicago. Church had six Commandments and four do-the-best-you-cans.
And I come from a small Vietnamese family. We’re really close too, all ten of us.
I was in the Air Force and was a boom operator (in-flight refueling). I got my comedy start in the Air Force.
We're living in the time of AIDS. It's rough being skinny with that shit. Women be looking at you like, "I don't know. You awfully thin."
We said to them to take all of the students who are troubled students and work with them. They're not bad. They're troubled because they don't have what you had and what I had growing up. It was tough, and it's still tough, but Jodi and her staff are making it work. These are the kids that would have been out on the street robbing and stealing.
My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat. I might be failing as a father.
I had been vegan for about six months when I went to a taping of Ellen's show. She had heard that I was vegan and was inquiring about it. Lesbians are really known for being animal lovers. Gay women always have so many pets. Besides loving my dogs, I really see animals all on the same plane. And after reading a book like Skinny Bitch or seeing videos from inside a dairy farm or a slaughterhouse, it's really hard to turn back. Because we love animals so much, it's the next logical step.
Trickle-down economics - it didn't work. The whole idea was supply-side economics: give rich people a lot of money; they'll spend it, it'll go into the economy. Here's what we found out - rich people, really good at keeping all the money. That's how they got rich. If you want it in the economy, give it to the poor people. You know what they're really good at? Spending all their money.
People need motivation to do anything. I don't think human beings learn anything without desperation.
I've been a character actor, which I define as "anyone in the movie who's not kissing Renee Zellweger.
Whenever I don't feel so good, I always try to remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over, and they share the same asshole.
Well... you know, I would wake up with a terrible hangover in a jail somewhere and worst part was that I would not know why I was there.