Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 184
Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air.
They strip search you in jail. Dudes sit in the booth and looks up my ass. Right away I’m thinking, "What in the world am I going to put up my ass that I'm gonna use again?" Like I’m supposed to get inside. "All right. Who wants gum?"
'Dancing With the Stars' is so Middle America, and people take it so seriously.
Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.
I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, 'You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.'
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
Another thing when I'm president? If you're in the army, the navy, any branch of the armed forces... you can fuck whoever you want!
It doesn't burn unless you take too long to blow it out. How true that is, for life in general.
For years and years, Arj Barker was high on life, but eventually, I built up a tolerance.
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
Why does Louis CK get named Comedy Person of the Year? I should be named Comedy Person of the Year just so I can parlay it into another few weeks of road work.
Every time Joe Biden says something goofy, I just picture GWBush at home, watching TV saying: “That guy says some dumb stuff.”
Well, I am not always joking, sometimes I am serious. But some people always expect you to be funny. If you were like you are on stage, you would be obnoxious. With the jokes and the putdowns, I would need to take a break... juggle something.
We said to them to take all of the students who are troubled students and work with them. They're not bad. They're troubled because they don't have what you had and what I had growing up. It was tough, and it's still tough, but Jodi and her staff are making it work. These are the kids that would have been out on the street robbing and stealing.