Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 185
The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.
My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don’t up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don’t put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!
Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.
Oh my God, Kennedy Airport - what a mess - all over you with those dopey security questions. 'Did you receive any gifts from any unknown persons?' Buddy, the last thing I got from an unknown person was in the 80's.
My inspiration is coming more and more from the way I feel and the gratitude I feel. The older you get the more humility you have.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
I've seen worse... It just so happens that your friend here is mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead.
When I've gotten criticism, it's that it's too long, too soft, didn't hit the government hard enough. Then when I do hit the government, they go, "What's he doing hitting the government?"
I've had people come up to me, as home viewers, and tell me they were screaming at the TV, yelling at each other, yelling at the contestants.
I grew up in New York in a neighbourhood called Washington Heights. It's not really a ghetto, it's a ghetto suburb. Slums with trees. Even the birds are junkies. The birds don't know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. "Tweet, tweet sucker. Give me a quarter."
There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan's advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in.