Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 185
Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.
Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade. If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.
My family is number one in my life. I'll blow off writing or just about anything to make sure I take my son to preschool or watch him at his swimming lesson.
As women well know, the reason men are no good at playing dumb is most of the time we're not playing.
The reason we are together is because she puts lead in my shoes and doesn't let me fly off the earth. And it's always been that way.
I'm going to be fifty this year. Soon I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person - so I can get a better girlfriend.
You want to know how I think art should be taught to children? Take them to a museum and say, "This is art, and you can't do it."
Okay, first rule of this carpool. No breaking wind in my car. The only gas that Bernie Mac want to be smelling is unleaded.
They make that announcement, 'If you notice anything unusual, please immediately report it to airport security.' So, I grab the guy, I go, 'Yeah, I just saw somebody pay $11 for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. And right around the corner, they're selling luggage inside the airport. I'm going to do another lap. I'll let you know if I see anything.'
Sometimes whiskey dick is a good thing, like last night fucking the left eye of a pumpkin sounded like a good idea... thank you whiskey dick thank you!