Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 185
They always want head. We love it. We always have to watch, right? Right, if you have a lot of hair we fucking turn into Vidal Sassoon all of a sudden. We got like scrunchies and banana clips coming out of nowhere. Hairspray. "Good. Good. Good." Front row seats. "I like that with the lips, the thing you're doing with the lips is good."
If you believe that the world is going to come to an end - and perhaps any day now - does it not drain one's motivation to improve life on earth while we're here?
You make due with the time you have here. Hopefully when you pass on, somebody can look back and say, 'Wow, they made a difference in some kind of way.'
Had an unexplained burst of happiness today. Doctor said not to worry it will go away.
You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym!
Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Suess inspired me to try cauliflower.
Hard work is a misleading term. Physical effort and long hours do not constitute hard work. Hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. Anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing, you're doing hard work.
You’re thinking I’m homophobic; I hear it all the time. “Dave, you’re probably gay.” “What?” “Well, you talk about being gay so you probably are gay! You probably secretly want to have sex with another man!” And I say, “Listen, Voice In My Head…I do not.” “How do you know you wouldn’t like it? How do you know you wouldn’t love it?” I know I wouldn’t like it or love it, because one time…during a terrible gardening accident, I sat on a cucumber… 3 times. It happens. You never see it on ER, but it’s happening. Every 8 minutes out there, someone is sitting on a cucumber, or papaya if you live in Hawaii. We need programs. If that ever happens, you need two things and two things quick: a pair of ice tongs, and a friend that can keep a secret. Preferably your midget friend. ‘Cause nobody believes a midget until it’s too late. Cucumber up a man’s ass? Is that where the treasure is? Well then lead me, into your midget world!
Oh my God, Kennedy Airport - what a mess - all over you with those dopey security questions. 'Did you receive any gifts from any unknown persons?' Buddy, the last thing I got from an unknown person was in the 80's.
If you're on Twitter, what you're saying is, 'I'm important enough for you to care what I think.'
The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests.
The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, "Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light." My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, "Dune buggies. Woohoo!"
I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.