Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 185
The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests.
If I want my chips? Yeah, I want my chips. Who is this?
When you go through a tunnel - you're going on a train - you go through a tunnel, the tunnel is dark, but you're still going forward. Just remember that. But if you're not going to get up on stage for one night because you're discouraged or something, then the train is going to stop. Everytime you get up on stage, if it's a long tunnel, it's going to take a lot of times of going on stage before things get bright again. You keep going on stage, you go forward. Every night you go on stage.
Easiest job you could ever have… whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create "reasonable doubt."
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like "Bana... keep going. Bananana... damn."
All these words we use, anybody can be a genius now. It used to be you had to have a thought no one ever had before or you had to invent a number. Now, it's like, "Hey, I've got a cup in case we need another cup." "Dude, you're a genius!"
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill 'em.
My whole family, all they talk about is food and disease. And they're competitive with illness: "I have a cold." "I wish I had a cold! I don't even have sinuses anymore."
There were 84 original episodes. It was rated No. 1 and No. 2 on the Fox Children's Network. We figured it was time to make it available to people who have never watched it.
Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.
Okay, first rule of this carpool. No breaking wind in my car. The only gas that Bernie Mac want to be smelling is unleaded.
That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford - an actor and a stuntman.