Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 185
Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.
People need motivation to do anything. I don't think human beings learn anything without desperation.
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
If you ever want to go golfing, take Brad with you. He will make you look better. He came in dead last. There were 75 celebrities and pro athletes and he came in dead last.
My inspiration is coming more and more from the way I feel and the gratitude I feel. The older you get the more humility you have.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Freaks everywhere. I went to a church in Chicago. Church had six Commandments and four do-the-best-you-cans.
I would not have had anything to eat if it weren't for the stuff the audience threw at me.
Do unto others as you would've them do unto you. Scientific prove that to be a fact for every action is the opposite as equal reaction. Don't fuck with me, and i won't fuck with you.
Oh my God, Kennedy Airport - what a mess - all over you with those dopey security questions. 'Did you receive any gifts from any unknown persons?' Buddy, the last thing I got from an unknown person was in the 80's.
The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests.
We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1.