Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 187

18,873 quotes

The `50s were terrifying with nuclear bomb stuff but boring in a social way and then the `60s were happening, and remember, there was no AIDS.

I don't think it's any secret. We can't continue to do business as we're currently doing it.

All birds masturbate. Yeah, you thought that was shit on your car.

Money comes and goes. I'm thankful I have money. I'm trying to save up more. I would like more money. But it's not happiness. If you're a millionaire and hate your family, hate your friends and your life, then what is the point? You're just a person with a lot of money and power who is not happy.

Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded.

Don't worry about dying, worry about living.

I wanted to cut down on the profanity, because I think I'm funnier without sayin' a lot of cuss words.

Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit.

"You told your mother I was gonna blow you up with a fucking pumpkin bomb? What did she say?" "She. Was. Terrified. She wants me to move home."

I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.

It wasn't a cutdown to call someone a Mexican. It would kill my career to refer to someone as Mexican today. It's like calling me an American.

Today President Bush ordered an investigation into whether it is appropriate to have civilians with no experience running a Navy sub. Hey, how about an investigation into whether it's appropriate to have a civilian with no experience running the country?

Watched Terms of Enrearment. Don't play dumb. Don't, it offends me. Bang the Nun Slowly. I think it's a remake. Your Ass Licked Part. That one's scary a little bit. There's one with midgets. Itty Bitty Gang Bang. I'm not sure if that was worth $7.95. It's a write off. Awww Schindler's Fist. So usually... I don't... I don't like the political stuff. The political porn isn't really where it's at late night.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

I'm not even 1000% sure that polar bears exist. How do you know? Why, 'cause Coca-Cola puts them on their can during Christmas? They also put Santa Claus, what's your fucking point?