Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 187
My whole family, all they talk about is food and disease. And they're competitive with illness: "I have a cold." "I wish I had a cold! I don't even have sinuses anymore."
Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.
When you go through a tunnel - you're going on a train - you go through a tunnel, the tunnel is dark, but you're still going forward. Just remember that. But if you're not going to get up on stage for one night because you're discouraged or something, then the train is going to stop. Everytime you get up on stage, if it's a long tunnel, it's going to take a lot of times of going on stage before things get bright again. You keep going on stage, you go forward. Every night you go on stage.
Once you start making money, you can be an ass. But I am not an ass. I'm too lazy, that takes a lot of energy.
Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.
Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.
For years and years, Arj Barker was high on life, but eventually, I built up a tolerance.
The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.
If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.
My inspiration is coming more and more from the way I feel and the gratitude I feel. The older you get the more humility you have.
The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.
My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat. I might be failing as a father.
"If you got it, flaunt it" may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.