Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 187
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, "quick out the window".
My father was the king of the joke-tellers. I was so impressed as a child watching him, holding people in rapt attention.
It wasn't a cutdown to call someone a Mexican. It would kill my career to refer to someone as Mexican today. It's like calling me an American.
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill 'em.
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
I honestly think hipsters eat with their assholes because they consume everything wrong.
I tell people that stand-up's like golf: you gotta do it every day to get it down - or at least three times a week to get it down.
If you're on Twitter, what you're saying is, 'I'm important enough for you to care what I think.'
My father was a proctologist; my mother was an abstract artist. That's how I view the world.
When I was twelve, we went to Aberdeen. We went with a school. It was called fresh air fortnight. And it was a brilliant idea. The authorities of Glasgow took Glasgow school children to the countryside ostensibly into the clean air to make them rosy cheeked. To make them look like youth hostellers... Hello I'm a youth hosteller, I have the anorak and I look like an apple. And do you know what my philosophy is? A strangers just a friend I don't know yet. Hahaha... Fuck Off! Ohhh is that your attitude? So we went to Aberdeen and we lived in school rooms and in Dormitories with all those army beds and we masturbated our brains out for two weeks. That's where wanking got it's name, it's those army beds, that's the noise they make. Wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank. You can travel the world over... You'll never find a bed that goes Mmmasturbate.... Mmmmmmasturbate. So in Scotland we have beds that go Wank! Wank! Wank! Wank! Wank! And dogs that go Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Very sexy country.
On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes.