Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 188
'Dancing With the Stars' is so Middle America, and people take it so seriously.
Today`s audiences are different only insomuch as today`s people are different, and I do not think today`s people are substantially different.
My family is number one in my life. I'll blow off writing or just about anything to make sure I take my son to preschool or watch him at his swimming lesson.
There are things about the Jewish religion that I carry with me to this day. Chief among them is Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, as it's so happily called. It had a profound effect on my innocent young mind. The service opens with the organ playing "Kol Nidre," one of the spookiest pieces of music ever written. You hear it and literally are surprised bats and shit aren't flying around.
They want families to come to New York and go to the theater, so the theater is all geared toward family entertainment. It's money, you know.
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color... person?"
I can't floss my teeth. People tell me how hard it is to stop smoking; I think it's about as hard as it is to start flossing.
A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands.
What is wrong with me I just bought a bag of weed from an infant.
You might be a redneck if... you bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade. If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.
Watched Terms of Enrearment. Don't play dumb. Don't, it offends me. Bang the Nun Slowly. I think it's a remake. Your Ass Licked Part. That one's scary a little bit. There's one with midgets. Itty Bitty Gang Bang. I'm not sure if that was worth $7.95. It's a write off. Awww Schindler's Fist. So usually... I don't... I don't like the political stuff. The political porn isn't really where it's at late night.