Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 188

Who got the part? Chris Tucker? Shit! Who got the other part? Tell me man. Jackie Chan? That mother fucker can't even speak English!

I don’t know why great abs are considered attractive. I know they are, but biologically, I don’t know what we’re trying to convey. You see a guy with great abs, you think, ‘wow! That guy could shit really fast.’ I bet women love that.

They strip search you in jail. Dudes sit in the booth and looks up my ass. Right away I’m thinking, "What in the world am I going to put up my ass that I'm gonna use again?" Like I’m supposed to get inside. "All right. Who wants gum?"

I developed several comedy phone calls.

In 1982 I was playing soccer at William and Mary, and a kid from Randolph-Macon called me a kike. I ran after him. 'I'm not a... well, yes I am.'

A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.

Watched Terms of Enrearment. Don't play dumb. Don't, it offends me. Bang the Nun Slowly. I think it's a remake. Your Ass Licked Part. That one's scary a little bit. There's one with midgets. Itty Bitty Gang Bang. I'm not sure if that was worth $7.95. It's a write off. Awww Schindler's Fist. So usually... I don't... I don't like the political stuff. The political porn isn't really where it's at late night.

I think I invented the phrase 'Don't overdo it.'

I think women seem to handle celibacy better. Well, at least when you talk with them, they're very nonchalant about it: 'Oh, no, no, I haven't made love in about three or four months, and I really haven't missed it at all. I've been doing a lot of horseback riding.'

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don’t realize this, he’s a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he’d ground out to second for him.

These are all dreams. These are all things we want to have. (to man in audience) If I could grant you a power, any power, what would you want? Anything right now? "Dah, Jesus." You want to be Jesus? God you're such an egotistical prick. He thinks he's Jesus. Ah, Jesus. I'd love to cover him with spaghetti right now. Pppptthhh! Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very egotistical. Ahhh, Christ. Not you.

Will somebody get the knife and fork out of my leg, please? Can somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees?

When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!

As American as an apple is and as American as baseball is, they don't go together. You can't be chewing an apple at a baseball game. You've got to let go of the diet that day.