Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 188
When I was twelve, we went to Aberdeen. We went with a school. It was called fresh air fortnight. And it was a brilliant idea. The authorities of Glasgow took Glasgow school children to the countryside ostensibly into the clean air to make them rosy cheeked. To make them look like youth hostellers... Hello I'm a youth hosteller, I have the anorak and I look like an apple. And do you know what my philosophy is? A strangers just a friend I don't know yet. Hahaha... Fuck Off! Ohhh is that your attitude? So we went to Aberdeen and we lived in school rooms and in Dormitories with all those army beds and we masturbated our brains out for two weeks. That's where wanking got it's name, it's those army beds, that's the noise they make. Wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank. You can travel the world over... You'll never find a bed that goes Mmmasturbate.... Mmmmmmasturbate. So in Scotland we have beds that go Wank! Wank! Wank! Wank! Wank! And dogs that go Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Very sexy country.
What is with this campy fixation on all things Ronald Reagan? They talk about him the way gay people talk about Barbra Streisand. I think they just want him on a stamp so they can lick his ass. I think they only named an airport after him so they can say, "I'm coming into Reagan!"
I can't floss my teeth. People tell me how hard it is to stop smoking; I think it's about as hard as it is to start flossing.
The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.
For me, the best Valentine’s Day gifts don’t cost anything because they come straight from the heart. That’s why I composed a special Valentine’s Day poem for you, my audience. “Roses are red, love’s but a fable. I’m really sorry you can’t afford cable.”
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!
Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the names of rappers. Those are some Diddies. Those are some Bone Thugs-N-Harmoniums, right here. Those Ludacrises are coming in great.
I would not have had anything to eat if it weren't for the stuff the audience threw at me.
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.