Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 188
My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat. I might be failing as a father.
Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
I honestly think hipsters eat with their assholes because they consume everything wrong.
It is a big world that we live in, and people have a choice to love who they love.
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is to realistically criticize what's wrong with it.
What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
Every time Joe Biden says something goofy, I just picture GWBush at home, watching TV saying: “That guy says some dumb stuff.”
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
The New York Times - but the whole country gives it that weight. It's like the Asian kid in math class. Everybody in the media cheats off The New York Times.
The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests.
The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, "Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light." My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, "Dune buggies. Woohoo!"
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, "quick out the window".