Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 188

And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don’t up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don’t put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

You should’ve hung out, man.

Don't worry about dying, worry about living.

My father was a proctologist; my mother was an abstract artist. That's how I view the world.

When you're hot, you're hot; when you're not, you're not.

The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.

Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

My father told me 'Name your price in the beginning. If it ever gets more expensive than the price you name, get out of there.'

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

“But evolution is only a theory!” Which is true. I mean, it is only a theory, it’s good that they say that. I think, it gives you hope, doesn’t it? That… that maybe they feel the same way about the theory of gravity, and they might just float the fuck away.

In 1982 I was playing soccer at William and Mary, and a kid from Randolph-Macon called me a kike. I ran after him. 'I'm not a... well, yes I am.'

These are all dreams. These are all things we want to have. (to man in audience) If I could grant you a power, any power, what would you want? Anything right now? "Dah, Jesus." You want to be Jesus? God you're such an egotistical prick. He thinks he's Jesus. Ah, Jesus. I'd love to cover him with spaghetti right now. Pppptthhh! Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very egotistical. Ahhh, Christ. Not you.