Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 186
The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.
The other day I drove home filled with pride and a sense of achievement. I entered the house, and there was my mother. "Mama," I said proudly, "I have a new Corvette outside." Mama looked at me, shook her head and said sadly: "Please, Joey. Don't bring her in."
For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: "I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up."
Democracy is the worst kind of government, I’m sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
The `50s were terrifying with nuclear bomb stuff but boring in a social way and then the `60s were happening, and remember, there was no AIDS.
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
The Flinstones wore furs, they ate red meat, and had a stoneage philosophy. In fact, they were the first Republicans...
Breakups hurt like a motherfucker, but they are not the end of the world. The pain is temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing.
You can't bring tweezers on an airplane. If I'm on a plane and you try to hijack it with tweezers, I'll whip your ass, man. You think I'm going to be late because you've got tweezers and a bad attitude?
Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.
I wasn’t able to showcase myself to my satisfaction on television until I did one very important thing: I started treating television as though it were just another night at a club. I stopped ruminating continuously over my television set and thinking about its potential significance. This started with my last few shots with Johnny Carson when I realized why my spots hadn’t seemed as funny to me as my club sets. I realized that the extra thought and preparation actually worked against me. Once I adopted this new attitude, I started doing television spots that I was happy with. But let me stress that this was just my approach.