Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 186

We as comics do want an immediate response from the audience. It's really quiet on the set, and there are only the producers, and the director, so a comic is looking for someone to give a reaction, even if it is the camera guy.

The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.

That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford - an actor and a stuntman.

I would not have had anything to eat if it weren't for the stuff the audience threw at me.

I stopped and I thought, "What would Jesus do?" So I didn’t exist.

I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is to realistically criticize what's wrong with it.

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

When I've gotten criticism, it's that it's too long, too soft, didn't hit the government hard enough. Then when I do hit the government, they go, "What's he doing hitting the government?"

Last week, the city of Detroit filed for bankrupty, it became obvious that Detorit was in trouble when it offered to suck chicago’s dick.

If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.

The Beatles were so high they let Ringo sing a couple of tunes.

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.