Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 186
Every man wonders about the size of their penis. Laying in bed alone at night, or in a hammock with a parrot. You start thinking, "Do I have a small penis or just gigantic balls?"
Do unto others as you would've them do unto you. Scientific prove that to be a fact for every action is the opposite as equal reaction. Don't fuck with me, and i won't fuck with you.
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is to realistically criticize what's wrong with it.
Watched Terms of Enrearment. Don't play dumb. Don't, it offends me. Bang the Nun Slowly. I think it's a remake. Your Ass Licked Part. That one's scary a little bit. There's one with midgets. Itty Bitty Gang Bang. I'm not sure if that was worth $7.95. It's a write off. Awww Schindler's Fist. So usually... I don't... I don't like the political stuff. The political porn isn't really where it's at late night.
You can’t wait forever for an audience to get the joke, but you should give them at least two seconds to join in before you go on to the next one.
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Now, a brother's dick is too big, so it'll fuck up his balance... Every time you see a brother in a wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.
Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.
My inspiration is coming more and more from the way I feel and the gratitude I feel. The older you get the more humility you have.
The street in the center of town was Butts road. I stole the sign and told the audience, this must be where the assholes live. I also had a Neighborhood Crime Watch - it takes about 20 seconds to break into a house but it took me an hour to unbolt this sign.
'Dancing With the Stars' is so Middle America, and people take it so seriously.
Today`s audiences are different only insomuch as today`s people are different, and I do not think today`s people are substantially different.