Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 198
Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Suess inspired me to try cauliflower.
I think there is much more storytelling in stand-up now. Less emphasis on the joke. Jokes are still important, but it feels like a more intimate and personal experience these days.
My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.
If you believe that the world is going to come to an end - and perhaps any day now - does it not drain one's motivation to improve life on earth while we're here?
So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments. Luckily there was a number on the box. So I called, and said, ‘I have a question: Is this cereal as delicious as I think it is?' And I have a comment: 'yes'.
If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.
I bullshit on the phone all day with a variety of people discussing various projects, and occasionally write jokes.
My dad only said two things to me around the house, you know, when I was there. Number one: 'Ok, Ok, USA.' And two: 'Good. Good, Dat Phan.' How do you carry a conversation on with that? Like, 'Dad, how are you doing?' 'Ok.' Like, 'Dad, the house is on fire.' 'Ok.'
I have no interest in art. Let me clarify - I have no interest in non-nude images.
I'm the only actress in Hollywood who didn't pay to have these lips.
If you encounter someone who pronounces the "t" in "often", odds are they're a douchebag.
My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says "It looks and tastes like real bacon!" No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!