Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 198
You know who doesn't get the death penalty? Crazy people. That’s a defense in America. "My client’s crazy. He doesn’t know what he did." Fine, then he doesn't know we’re gonna kill him. If a guy's that retard, you put him the electric chair and tell him it’s a ride.
I want to be a little more dramatic nowadays. I definitely want something big and funny, but I look for things that can just have people see me in a different light and let me mature as both an entertainer and an actor and a comedian.
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
But seriously I got hit by a car the other day. Yeah, I'm alright, I appreciate the concern. I was going about 8, the care behind me was going about 11. He wasn't getting to 11, he was at 11. But he was behind me so cha-ching! C4, C5, bingo! He gets out of the car about 105 years old. A little cooky in the head. I'm a little tattered. He starts saying things he probably shouldn't at the scene of an accident. Hell buddy, I wasn't even looking. Might want to keep that to yourself.Then he just keeps burying himself. I can't even drive a stick. I don't know which one is the brake. My legs are numb. I been drinking!
We need to try to work out something so folks can be there. We're going to try to find some solution so we don't have to keep repeating ourselves during the regular meeting. I think it is a board issue, but we're just going to try to make some suggestions. We would be open to doing the meetings at a different time.
In America, "Qualification" is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, "If I don't make it, I'll never know it."
It's all about money, not freedom, ya'll, okay? Nothing to do with fucking freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?
Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
"What the fuck why is the floor all sticky". Then the guy in front of me says "I just came".
I remember on Thanksgiving all the kids wanted the drumstick. There were four of us then. Well, today you can go into the supermarket and get 12 drumsticks. Years ago you couldn't do that. So I was sucking on the neck for two years. My mother told me it was the leg, and I believed it. I went to my father and said, "Why is my leg always cockeyed?" He said, "The bird has arthritis."
Every time a friend of mine has a kid I go over to the crib and say, "You know, I used to hold your father’s head while he threw up."