Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 198
When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.
If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they're drinking.
They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self' , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
Horrible date all through high school and college. Here's an impression of me on a date in high school. Come on, chug it!
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
People do give me a hard time about my hair because it's orange and it's big.
I didn’t think I was older until I went into an Abercrombie & Fitch and they looked at me like I was walking through a playground with my cock in my hand.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
They think globally but act locally, which is part of my t-shirt philosophy course that I teach in Brooklyn.
I know when the anthrax thing hit - white people, y'all was very nervous. Y'all would come up to me at work and warn me, like 'Oh my God, Aries, be careful. Don't open your mail.' Let me tell you something - black folks was never worried about anthrax because, half the time, we don't open our mail no way. We might think that's a bill. We might hold it to the light and go, 'That's a red slip.' If you want to get us with anthrax, put that in a Jay-Z CD. That's how you get us.
I'm the only actress in Hollywood who didn't pay to have these lips.
A prominent Los Angeles psychiatrist told a patient: “Ridiculous that you should still be frightened of thunder at your age. Thunder is a mere natural phenomenon. Now the next time it storms and you hear a couple of claps of thunder, just do as I do – put your head under a pillow and stuff your ears until the thunder goes away.”