Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 198

Men can’t buy makeup. So they have to buy something else. It’s called a Porsche.

I think anybody that protests at a comedy club is too easy. If you have problems and issues, you need to go to the White House and complain to Congress. Don’t come to a comedy club and bitch. That’s too easy.

When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.

If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.

If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they're drinking.

Horrible date all through high school and college. Here's an impression of me on a date in high school. Come on, chug it!

Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.

I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know when I failed eight other students around me failed too.

They celebrate Thanksgiving in England, by the way. It’s called “Fuck off puritan!”

A black C student can't do shit with his life. A black C student can't be a manager at Burger King. Meanwhile, a white C student just happens to be the President of the United States.

You should’ve hung out, man.

Even if I'm aroused, my penis is in the shape of a question mark.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

Women do fool around. But the reason they don’t get caught is that when a woman mess with a man he lives cross town, out of town. Fellas we mess with next door neighbor, co-worker, wondering why she found out.

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, "If I don't make it, I'll never know it."