Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 197
I do have to fly a lot. It's difficult for me, but I'm not angry about it. But I did see on the menu in Logan Airport, Boston, “Potato salad in season.”
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to fucking leave.
I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the "good old days". I'm black, we have no "good old days".
If you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? Carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.
Twitter and Facebook and MySpace; all that stuff makes you warped. We've all basically given ourselves data entry jobs. I've actually heard people say things like, “Aw shit, I have to update my Twitter.” Really? You have to? That's a big priority for you?
We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like "We have to get rid of dictators", but he's pretty much one himself.
I was watching Discovery Channel the other day, and you know that they have come up with a new theory about how dinosaurs was wiped out? It was a midturn election...
I want to be a little more dramatic nowadays. I definitely want something big and funny, but I look for things that can just have people see me in a different light and let me mature as both an entertainer and an actor and a comedian.