Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 197
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
It’s better to play to the host as though in a real conversation and let the audience listen in- which they are.
My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.
Banks have a new image. Now you have a friend, your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.
If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they're drinking.
I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the "good old days". I'm black, we have no "good old days".
Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Suess inspired me to try cauliflower.
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a 3 day pass?" So we exchanged tanks!