Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 197
They celebrate Thanksgiving in England, by the way. It’s called “Fuck off puritan!”
Men can’t buy makeup. So they have to buy something else. It’s called a Porsche.
I had that game Operation. Big naked white guy... He had no pee pee at all. He was like that guy from the movie Silence of the Lambs remember he tucked it in... "Put the lotion in the basket..." I use to do it I'd come out of my girlfriend's bathroom and go look I'm just like you! I was always afraid that one time she'd be like "Oh yeah! I'm just like you!"
Nero’s wife Shirley, who said to Nero, "Idiot! Fiddle on the roof; you'll make a fortune!" Never got a dinner!
Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, "quick out the window".
Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.
It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.
I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.
Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.
I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.
If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they're drinking.
I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the "good old days". I'm black, we have no "good old days".