Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 205

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

A real estate closer. Oh, what's that? I'm a real estate opener. What is a real estate closer? You mean at the end where you've got to sign all those papers?

Sigmund Freud once said, "What do women want?" The only thing I have learned in fifty-two years is that women want men to stop asking dumb questions like that.

If I want my chips? Yeah, I want my chips. Who is this?

I wouldn't take nothin' but a Ford: F-O-R-D, period. Ain't nothin' like a Ford. I wouldn't drive a Chevrolet 'cause I can't spell it.

If my mom came here today, she'd probably join this red-hat brigade. My mother got my sense of humor, even when I was a kid. I would just do things that tickled my fancy in the moment, and she would ask me who I was entertaining. I'd say, 'Well, me.' And she would tell me that nobody knew that and they thought I was psychotic. Well, I don't ever want people to think I'm psychotic, but I can't help myself from doing these things.

I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the "good old days". I'm black, we have no "good old days".

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes right to the fucking bone.

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a 3 day pass?" So we exchanged tanks!

The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.

In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.’

And don't forget to fasten your condoms! Seatbelts, I mean seatbelts.

This needs to be said: there never was a war. "How can you say that, Bill?" Well, a war is when two armies are fighting. So you can see, right there, there never was a war...