Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 205
The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.
I'm half-Mexican - get used to it 'cause in about five to 10 years, you're all gonna be related to one. Whether you like it or not, no matter how much you prepared your family, you're gonna show up at Thanksgiving one of these years, you're gonna walk in and say, 'Hey! What's happening? Since when did we start serving flan?' Well, what's happening is that somebody's boning a Latino.
If you do not find me funny, that is your problem and I am not going away.
My friend goes, 'If you're going to use Rogaine, just put it somewhere you're going to remember to use it everyday.' So I put it right next to my Prozac. But now it just feels really pathetic using both of these products at the same time, 'cause if either one works, I don't really need the other one.
I'm from the streets of New York. I know what tough talk sounds like.
If they played the world hunger commercials with some dope beats, they'd probably get mad donations son!
Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
Purim, one of my favorite holidays. It's like the original drag queen's holiday. It's when all the Jewish men go for it and feel no guilt for a change.
They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.
And don't forget to fasten your condoms! Seatbelts, I mean seatbelts.
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
At some point, the computer industry decided if you have an e-mail address, you must have some kind of penis problem.