Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 205
One time I visited my mother and found St. Anthony's statue upside down. I say, 'Mama, why's St. Anthony upside down?' 'He don't answer my novena, he stays that way!'
I wonder why there is a designated hitter in baseball after all these years? As an experiment, it seemed like a swell enough idea, but you would think the novelty would have worn off by now and everyone would get back to playing baseball.
Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting.
If my mom came here today, she'd probably join this red-hat brigade. My mother got my sense of humor, even when I was a kid. I would just do things that tickled my fancy in the moment, and she would ask me who I was entertaining. I'd say, 'Well, me.' And she would tell me that nobody knew that and they thought I was psychotic. Well, I don't ever want people to think I'm psychotic, but I can't help myself from doing these things.
Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.
When I see homeless white person I start crying. (cries) What a waste of white skin.
Fine art and pizza delivery - being a talk-show host falls neatly in between.
Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Worse, actually, at least the eunuch is allowed to watch.
My girlfriend likes to play doctor, so I make her say "Ahhhh" then charge her $700.
I'm half-Mexican - get used to it 'cause in about five to 10 years, you're all gonna be related to one. Whether you like it or not, no matter how much you prepared your family, you're gonna show up at Thanksgiving one of these years, you're gonna walk in and say, 'Hey! What's happening? Since when did we start serving flan?' Well, what's happening is that somebody's boning a Latino.
When I went into Bobby's World, I had no idea it would be a success. I had been doing the Bobby voice as part of my nightclub adult act for years.
My mom was so strict when I was a kid, she wouldn’t even let us watch The Brady Bunch. The Brady Bunch! She was like, "That’s why you don’t watch The Brady Bunch, that show suck. Six kids, that’s nothing. That’s right, I have ten kids. Why don’t you watch me? No commercial here. No ads. I run the whole operation, Dat Phan, watch me."