Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 204
My friend goes, 'If you're going to use Rogaine, just put it somewhere you're going to remember to use it everyday.' So I put it right next to my Prozac. But now it just feels really pathetic using both of these products at the same time, 'cause if either one works, I don't really need the other one.
Be prepared to cut your little extra lines that come after a big punchline and move on to the next joke or routine to give your set more punch and crispness. You can keep them in your set, but if the audience applauds your big line, don’t do your tag when it dies down, just move on.
Sober strip clubs are horrible. When you are sober you see the matrix code behind a strip club. You're paying girls to pretend to like you until you run out of money so they can walk away.
Now... just wait a minute. Did I start talking Portuguese up here and not realize it?
You go to McDonalds, they don’t even have numbers on the cash register no more. Got pictures of food. If you know what a french fry look like, you become the manager. You the smartest one there.
No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween!
A black C student can't do shit with his life. A black C student can't be a manager at Burger King. Meanwhile, a white C student just happens to be the President of the United States.
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
Like a lot of women, I'm bisexual. Once I have sex with you - bye!
I hope everybody could get rich and famous and will have everything they ever dreamed of, so they will know that its not the answer.
My mum is in a mental hospital. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. Winston Churchill, Mozart, John Lennon. These people all had a touch of crazy that fuelled their brilliance. They were not locked up for it like my mum. Pft. Then again, Winston Churchill never tried to kill my dad.
My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.