Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 204
I wouldn't take nothin' but a Ford: F-O-R-D, period. Ain't nothin' like a Ford. I wouldn't drive a Chevrolet 'cause I can't spell it.
You grow up real quick, a half-Mexican in a sailor's suit, because I'd be riding the streetcar to school everyday - minding my own business, humming out a 'Frere Jacques' - and I realized that in any other town, this might be considered cute. But you know what it is in San Francisco? Sexy.
What's happening is there's a warm front of Mexicans that are humping their way north to the point where you'll be up in Canada one of these years, walking around, you'll be like: 'Hey look, Eskimos! They came down.' Those aren't Eskimos - they're Meximos: Mexicans in parkas, trying to have sex with Canadian women.
I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the "good old days". I'm black, we have no "good old days".
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Worse, actually, at least the eunuch is allowed to watch.
The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, "Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light." My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, "Dune buggies. Woohoo!"
You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.
I didn't do real well. I bombed. Something inside me told me to keep trying because I had nothing to lose. I gave it another shot, and I still bombed, but I got one laugh. And that laugh gave me encouragement to continue for the next seven years.
If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.