Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 204
You were an altar boy, right? No wonder you're so angry. Show me on Kiefer Sutherland where the priest touched you.
I wonder why there is a designated hitter in baseball after all these years? As an experiment, it seemed like a swell enough idea, but you would think the novelty would have worn off by now and everyone would get back to playing baseball.
They're not the sharpest people - babies. So, you must be everything to them.
I used to walk into a party and scan the room for attractive women. Now I look for women to hold my baby so I can eat potato salad sitting down.
Now, I want to explain something to you guys. I don't have an ending joke, because I don't tell jokes. I tell real-life stories and make them funny. So, I'm not like the average comedian. They have an ending joke; they always holler "Peace! I'm out of here," and walk off stage. So, basically, when I get through performing on stage, I just walk off.
I did stand up first in high school, joined an improv group in college, kept doing stand up after that, no one could deter me. And I have no other skills really, so I’m sorta stuck with this now. It’s a little late to switch over to an ornithologist.
Ellen's very mad at me. She's says if I want to start a war in the press, she's not the person to start with.
You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.
If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Worse, actually, at least the eunuch is allowed to watch.
Even if you get a joke right you’ve done it a thousand times and sometimes there’s times where it just doesn’t work or someone doesn’t agree with you. And I want to show that. I have had more hecklers because that’s part of comedy is arguments, you know?
As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
You reach a certain point in your 30s when you say things in a much safer way.