Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 206
Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce!
At some point, the computer industry decided if you have an e-mail address, you must have some kind of penis problem.
Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes right to the fucking bone.
I love when they show the really gay prisoner in prison shows. He's the cutest inside but you know on the street he would be the ugliest.
If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
Easiest job you could ever have… whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create "reasonable doubt."
I think the word raped gets thrown around far too casually. You ever listen to a bunch of guys playing video games with each other online? It's like, 'Ah man you shot me in the back dude. You raped me dude!' I'm pretty sure if I talked to a woman who's been through that horrific situation and I said, 'What was it like, you know, being raped?' she's not gonna look at me and go, 'Have you ever played Halo?'
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a 3 day pass?" So we exchanged tanks!
Well... you know, I would wake up with a terrible hangover in a jail somewhere and worst part was that I would not know why I was there.
And don't forget to fasten your condoms! Seatbelts, I mean seatbelts.
Like a lot of women, I'm bisexual. Once I have sex with you - bye!
Starting to drink now in preparation for New Years. No more last minute stuff like Christmas.