Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 206
If I want my chips? Yeah, I want my chips. Who is this?
Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?
I wouldn't take nothin' but a Ford: F-O-R-D, period. Ain't nothin' like a Ford. I wouldn't drive a Chevrolet 'cause I can't spell it.
In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.’
Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce!
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
Once when Larry the Cable Guy was on Conan’s show, Conan O’Brien was so offended by Larry’s material, he had to walk away from the desk he was so offended.
If a director brings a guy to their movie who does improv, they've got to let him do what he does - otherwise it's like bringing Michael Jordan to your basketball team and telling him to just pass the ball and don't shoot.
As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
Women do fool around. But the reason they don’t get caught is that when a woman mess with a man he lives cross town, out of town. Fellas we mess with next door neighbor, co-worker, wondering why she found out.
You grow up real quick, a half-Mexican in a sailor's suit, because I'd be riding the streetcar to school everyday - minding my own business, humming out a 'Frere Jacques' - and I realized that in any other town, this might be considered cute. But you know what it is in San Francisco? Sexy.
L.A. I love it. Everybody’s a superstar. A guy will tell you, "Yeah, I’m a producer." And he’s driving a cab.