Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 206

Purim, one of my favorite holidays. It's like the original drag queen's holiday. It's when all the Jewish men go for it and feel no guilt for a change.

If opportunity doesn't knock, just build a door son.

I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.

I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.

Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!

If my mom came here today, she'd probably join this red-hat brigade. My mother got my sense of humor, even when I was a kid. I would just do things that tickled my fancy in the moment, and she would ask me who I was entertaining. I'd say, 'Well, me.' And she would tell me that nobody knew that and they thought I was psychotic. Well, I don't ever want people to think I'm psychotic, but I can't help myself from doing these things.

If you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? Carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

At some point, the computer industry decided if you have an e-mail address, you must have some kind of penis problem.

If I do a movie where I have to have a son and it's a chubby kid, my mother is always like, 'You were never like that.' She gets so upset about it.

Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Worse, actually, at least the eunuch is allowed to watch.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.

You started rapping when you wasn’t good at basketball. I started rapping because I needed Adderall.

Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?

They create these rules and argue about things we don't even understand. It is like watching soccer. You sit there and you're sort of amused, but most of the time you're thinking, "pick up the ball!" That's what you're thinking.