Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 206
"You need to work on your people skills." "Shut up, Bret."
You’re thinking I’m homophobic; I hear it all the time. “Dave, you’re probably gay.” “What?” “Well, you talk about being gay so you probably are gay! You probably secretly want to have sex with another man!” And I say, “Listen, Voice In My Head…I do not.” “How do you know you wouldn’t like it? How do you know you wouldn’t love it?” I know I wouldn’t like it or love it, because one time…during a terrible gardening accident, I sat on a cucumber… 3 times. It happens. You never see it on ER, but it’s happening. Every 8 minutes out there, someone is sitting on a cucumber, or papaya if you live in Hawaii. We need programs. If that ever happens, you need two things and two things quick: a pair of ice tongs, and a friend that can keep a secret. Preferably your midget friend. ‘Cause nobody believes a midget until it’s too late. Cucumber up a man’s ass? Is that where the treasure is? Well then lead me, into your midget world!
Now see, a lot of critics are saying Arnold can't get elected because he's just an ambitious guy with a famous name, who doesn't know anything about running the government. Didn't hurt George Bush.
This needs to be said: there never was a war. "How can you say that, Bill?" Well, a war is when two armies are fighting. So you can see, right there, there never was a war...
Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade. If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.
I'm from the streets of New York. I know what tough talk sounds like.
At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.
A woman driver went through a red light. The cop stopped her and said, "Lady, didn't you see that red light?" The woman said, "You've seen one, you've seen them all."
What's happening is there's a warm front of Mexicans that are humping their way north to the point where you'll be up in Canada one of these years, walking around, you'll be like: 'Hey look, Eskimos! They came down.' Those aren't Eskimos - they're Meximos: Mexicans in parkas, trying to have sex with Canadian women.
I don’t know, maybe it’ll change as I get older, but I have always enjoyed my birthday and the liberty it allows me. No matter what I do, I can say, “Well, it’s my birthday. It’s my birthday.” It’s sort of like diplomatic immunity with my family.
The reason you should go to Las Vegas is because, for only the second time, the second time, ever, they have rebuilt Sodom and Gomorrah. It's back!! And you have the opportunity to see it before it turns to salt.