Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 214
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.
Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
Everybody I know is bizarrely beautifully fucked up in some way.
Oreo, have you been reading my diary? Because this has been a fantasy of mine for some time.
An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.
I wanted to cut down on the profanity, because I think I'm funnier without sayin' a lot of cuss words.
We’ve got 4 dogs, 2 of them are wiener dogs, those are her dogs. And they’re cute until they have to go to the vet, and then it’s like a billion dollars. I took them to the vet and our idiot vet goes, “That dog’s gonna have back problems right there.” No kidding! It’s got an 8-foot back and 2-inch legs! I could have figured that one out! Here’s another one, Doc Obvious. That right there’s a boy dog and he’s 1/4 inch away from dragging his transmission on the sidewalk!
Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.
I had a porn star in the audience the other night, and she really doesn’t like performing sex scenes. She says, “I fake my orgasms. I can’t wait for this to get off me. And all I can think about is getting paid and having dinner later.” I said, “Wow! I’m married to a porn star!”
I'm getting a hair cut this weekend and I'm gonna tell the guy straight up, "No fuckin' around make my hair shorter than when I came in!"
All my life I was a class clown, church clown, neighborhood clown. And I took a shot after my divorce. She pushed me and I took it.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.