Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 214
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.
When I went into Bobby's World, I had no idea it would be a success. I had been doing the Bobby voice as part of my nightclub adult act for years.
And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.
I'd like to be more patient! I just want everything now. I've tried to meditate, but it's really hard for me to stay still. I'd like to try to force myself to do it, because everybody says how wonderful meditation is for you, but I can't shut my mind up. So patience and learning is the key.
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
This isn’t a bra, it’s body armor. And this isn’t make up, it’s war paint.
Never turn down an opportunity to shout "Fuck them all!" at the top of your voice.
If a director brings a guy to their movie who does improv, they've got to let him do what he does - otherwise it's like bringing Michael Jordan to your basketball team and telling him to just pass the ball and don't shoot.
This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.
I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know when I failed eight other students around me failed too.
You’re thinking I’m homophobic; I hear it all the time. “Dave, you’re probably gay.” “What?” “Well, you talk about being gay so you probably are gay! You probably secretly want to have sex with another man!” And I say, “Listen, Voice In My Head…I do not.” “How do you know you wouldn’t like it? How do you know you wouldn’t love it?” I know I wouldn’t like it or love it, because one time…during a terrible gardening accident, I sat on a cucumber… 3 times. It happens. You never see it on ER, but it’s happening. Every 8 minutes out there, someone is sitting on a cucumber, or papaya if you live in Hawaii. We need programs. If that ever happens, you need two things and two things quick: a pair of ice tongs, and a friend that can keep a secret. Preferably your midget friend. ‘Cause nobody believes a midget until it’s too late. Cucumber up a man’s ass? Is that where the treasure is? Well then lead me, into your midget world!