Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 214
Their cousin got in a fight and they put him in jail. I had to go get him out. He came walking out going, 'Hey, man, I tried to call you on the cellphone.' I said, 'You don't have a cellphone.' He goes, 'I mean, the phone by the cell.'
Because when the Creator of matter, tell you you matter, then you have a purpose and then you have self-esteem.
On a quick side note, I would argue that - much like Samuel L. Jackson - I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great.
At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.
Latinos outnumber Black people now. I’m not too happy about it. Because it’s only a matter of time before we lose our month. Soon as they figure it out, they’re going to have Latino History Month. All we’re going to have is Cinco de Negro.
Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?
We ask for way too much stuff - way too much stuff. You got a job making $100 a year and bought a house for $3 million. Talking about, 'I don't know what happened with the payment.'
If you say 'why not?,' that applies to everything: 'Why don't I jump off a mountain, wearing just a towel, and see if I make it? Why not?'
You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh?
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.
When I started, you didn't make a lot of money by being a comedian. You didn't get a lot of respect.
I was visiting my parents, and I walked into a room where my father was watching a Peter Falk movie on TV... I think it was 'The Cheap Detective.' Anyway, my father was belly-laughing, and he never really did that. I thought, 'If Peter Falk can make my dad laugh, then I'm going to come up with a movie in which Peter Falk plays my father.'