Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 214
I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"
I always wanted to make motion pictures, ever since I was a wee boy, and I was 32, and time was marching on. I met a guy who said, 'Come out to Hollywood for 10 days, and I'll get you a deal.' So I figured, 'OK, 10 days.' On the 10th day, he got me a development deal with Disney, not for a lot of money, but it allowed me to make the move.
Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?
My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus.
On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes.
Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.
I sang a song at my sister's wedding. My mother forced me into that, too. But that one felt all right.
Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.
Common sense dictates the term "hot fudge sundae" has a totally different meaning in prison.
My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.
I'd walk into the school, smell that institutional smell of the tomato soup, peanut butter, disinfectant, and boys room. Pass the lunchroom, see the familiar lunchroom lady with the white dress and net on her hair. At the end of 50 years of distinguished service the Board of Education gives her a bronze net – with her name on it. It stems from the Board of Education rule to keep her hair out of the food.
Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.
I was visiting my parents, and I walked into a room where my father was watching a Peter Falk movie on TV... I think it was 'The Cheap Detective.' Anyway, my father was belly-laughing, and he never really did that. I thought, 'If Peter Falk can make my dad laugh, then I'm going to come up with a movie in which Peter Falk plays my father.'