Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 214
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbour!"
Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.
Because when the Creator of matter, tell you you matter, then you have a purpose and then you have self-esteem.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
You just need an opportunity and then you yourself have to do a good job, and then you hope that people go, 'Oh yeah, I forgot about her.'
The difference being that a nerd would wear a D&D shirt because he loves D&D while a hipster would wear a D&D shirt because it’s ridiculous that he is wearing a D&D shirt.
I once called my mother during a hurricane. She got on the phone and said, "I can't talk to you, Joey, the lines are down."
No one is questioning the nobility and honor of these men and women that are serving and what they're doing. No one questions that. Now they're targets and they're not going out, they're just protecting each other and they're in the middle of a civil war. So it's really not fair to have these people, who volunteered their lives to protect our nation under false pretenses, to now be targets.
Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?
You know what offends me? Offended people. In a country with guaranteed rights to freedom of religion, its citizens are constantly trying to make faith in public spheres illegal, I am offended by that contradiction and want to talk about it as a comic.
Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH... and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.